Vet Said It Would Be Ok - I Couldn't, Though Options

[openhearted87]

I truly understand your pain. I went through this a little over sic months ago. My guy was 18.5. On top of the grief, I blamed myself due to a vet who I trusted who basically did nothing. At the time, I remember I was bargining in my mind with my higher power to please let him get well. I went online and tried to find a miracle cure. I realized that last day, he was fading fast. I looked at him. He was miserable and his little systems were shutting down due to kidney failure. I picked him up and took him to the aminal emer. I begged the vet to save him. Do whatever you can please please. He told me he might linger for about a week or so. He said he might have siezures and not even know me. I didnt want him to suffer. My husband was out of town. So, I said good bye to him and have continued crying ever since Oct 18.

I didn't think I would be able to make that decision. The vet said he was tired. He didnt want to eat among other things. While all of this was happening to me, I was blaming myself. However, I held him as much as I could. I loved him and kissed him. I didn't want the time to end. I remember thinking, enjoy him now.....for these will be your memories forever more. I felt like this wasnt supposed to be happening.

What I found that helped me was being able to read about other people. And there were so many who offered their support. After I loss Rassy, I changed vets. My guilt was finding out later, he could have lived longer if only I had changed vets. Well, after he died, I lost two other furkids in Jan of this year. Than another of my kids got real sick.

If you get a chance, read the book called animals and the afterlife. There was so much in there that helped me. I wondered when I let him go if that was the right decision too. I second guessed myself about every decision I made. I am glad that you are here.
Joanne

i can realate to what you went through. i recently had to let my 1 year old baby kitty acorn go. thank you for sharing your experience. it helps me feel like i am not alone. i'm sorry for your loss.

with love corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

It's heartbreaking I know. My heart is still breaking - it was 4 weeks ago this tuesday. One thing I am sure of is that you will know when the time is right. Until it's right, you won't be able to do it. When it's right, you won't be able not to do it.

We had the vet come to the house. For us, and for Lenny, it was definately the right thing to do. Just as we were with him all day every day in the last week. He needed us near him all the time.

I didn't think I could do it. I thought about it before hand and there was no way I could do it. But when it came down to it, the love we had was so great that the worst thing I had to do became possible. He had passed the point of his tolerance and my feelings, my pain, didn't matter. Only he mattered.

Keep coming here. Everyone here is so supportive. I thought I was the only one to feel as I do until I came here. I'm still in pain, I'm still prone to crying, I'm still devestated. But it's early days. And knowing you are not alone - it helps.

thank you for sharing your story. i lost my 1 year old kitty acorn to f.i.p. a few weeks ago. i am feeling so down. i am sorry for your loss. i cry alot too. i had to put my baby to sleep too suddenly when he began to have seizures. i did it at home as well. it was so hard to do it but i had to. i couldnt bear to see him in pain as he would have never wanted that for me.its never easy to make a decision like that. i wish you strength.

with love corina & her angels

[openhearted87]

With animals, they try hard not to let the World know they are sick and vulnerable, because in Nature, they become prey or outcast. Just like the proverbial man in denial who will not see a doctor, they will say "I'm fine!".
My relationship with Miles was the most intense, deep relationship I ever had with a lliving creature. When I saw the XRays of her riddled with cancer, I was amazed at the effort she put in to purring. She did that to make me feel better.
I did not think it was fair to make her continue to struggle to do that. She purred till the last.
To be fair to her, I had to ask "Who am I keeping her alive for, her or me?"
My healing would not begin till I accepted closure. It still hurts, a lot, and will for a long time. But it is not hurting her.

That's the best I can offer. She has been gone for two months now. We all know how you feel and what a terrible place it is. Someone on here remarked that having a special friend is the only time you really pay for something at the end, not the beginning. It is especially bad when they have been with you and shared a significant portion of your life.

your words are very kind. i cried alot reading them. i recently had to let my baby acorn go because of f.i.p. sometimes the young ones make a great impact on life too. i had so many hopes and plans for him. he was my sunshine. he was only 1 year old. his last day he showed a big effort on drinkin and eatting on his own. his last hour he was purring up a storm. he had a seizure and was crashing yet he still put his paws up to touch my face as i cried. he was the one dying and he was comforting me, thats just the kind of cat he is. it was so hard to let him go but i put him to sleep outside in the grass, his favorite place. there is such an emptiness now. sharing your story has helped me. thank you. i am sorry for your loss. i wish you the best.

with love corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

At least healing will start with accepting closure. It will take a long time, and we work things out as best we can. Regrets will not help you, but your story may help others who keep putting off the inevitable. I went though all that as well, the recriminations. "If only I had watched her more closely, and reacted sooner", etc.
I think everyone will agree it is a bad place to go, because it does no good, and prevents healing.

The reality is what it is, bad as it is, and has to be accepted so that Life can flow around it, like a rock in a stream.
And even a rock in a stream gets worn down eventually.
It may be there for a million years, but it does keep getting smaller.

that is a beautiful quote about the rock. thank you for putting words to my emotions.

with luv corina & her angels

[openhearted87]

What you said about leaving and returning (with the door) rings so true. I keep saying to myself the same sort of things. 'Oh it doesnt matter if I hold the front door wide open now, I don't have lenny.' or 'it doesnt matter about ... blablabla.... because he's not here anymore'. I think it's a sort of self punishment in some ways. Punishing ourselves for feeling bad, punishing ourselves for not feeling bad enough. I don't know but I know you're not along in that.


And I know that you are going to keep punishing yourself about your last few hours together. If you made a mistake it was only because it didn't seem so real at the time and you wanted to keep the two of you together. The future is always uncertain and we can't always do 'the right thing' because at the time it doesnt seem right. I couldn't blame you for that, no-one here could and I guarentee Kahlua doesn't.

They love us and trust us to protect them. They do not expect us to be perfect or infalliable. Just to try our best. Which you did. Which I did. You'd have beaten off a lion or a bear to protect Kahlua - you'd probably have sacrificed your own life to save her - I am sure of it, as I am sure I would have for Lenny. Remember that. They love us despite our not being perfect. We need to learn from that. She would only love you more for wanting to be together that little longer, whatever the cost.

those are very kind words. they are helping me. i feel that same self punishing voice. my baby kitty acorn recently passed. guilt is hard to get rid of but i know it will eventually go away. thank you for sharing your words of wisdom.

with luv corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

In less than two weeks our family will be going on our first camping trip since Goliath passed away. This event will be yet another first without him with us. Goliath always rode on the dash of the RV and laid on his big forest green pillow and watched out at everything. I remember how all the other campers used to see him laying up there and smile. Often the kids would come by and ask if he could come out and play. One of the reasons Goliath was such a social chihuahua is because when he was just a puppy we used to "play pass the puppy" in large groups of people. He became a real pied piper.

Because Goliath was included in everything we did, each event that comes along with the good weather months is a challenge now. These firsts bring so many memories of our past events and adventures. We have yet to go out in our boat. That is the one event that may just be my hardest to do without him.

As you miss your precious Kahlua, may you be blessed in remembering him in your happier days together.

i am sorry for your loss. goliath is such an adorable name, its fitting. i know how you feel. my baby kitty acorn was always there with me for car rides to mc donalds (eatting fries with us lol). he was out in the yard playing in the snow, leaves, rain and sunshine, he was there to welcome me home with a smile as i got home from college. his life was only 1 year long but a lifetime in my heart. it is hard. i hope you find strength to find happiness in the place you and goliath shared happy times. i wish you the best.

with luv corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am new to the forum and I am going thru a very similar thing. My baby, Sierra, has kidney disease. It has progressed in the last month. I dont' know how much time she has left, but I am trying to make everyday count.

She got dehydrated last week and spent 24 hours at the vet getting IV fluids - how horrible did I feel. This weekend she slept a lot.

Last night she perked up and seems like her old self. She is supposed to be on a low protein diet, but that is a real struggle. I have home cooked her meals for the last 4 years and to try to get her to eat cardboard in a can does not work.

Like you, I feel extremely helpless.

I have lost many pets before and it really does not get an easier. Actually, I feel it gets harder b/c the current dying/death reminds you of those in the past. Just hold on to the happy memories and know you will see your baby again!

i am sorry you and your beloved are going through this. i agree it never gets any easier. i have lost many but this recent loss of my 1 year old baby acorn has been the hardest ive ever cried. i hope you find strength. i wish you and your special dog the best.

with luv corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

So sorry for your loss and every time I am reading here what posted go on tears of sadness for you. I'm also going to pass for the same thing cause my baiby boy Buster has tumors in his nose and it is already difficult for him to take a breath, I know our time together is getting smaller and smaller and it is killing me already, I which you the best and please pray for my baby boy Buster bacause I know that a prayer comming from a good person like you will get to God's ears sonner, God Bless.

i am sorry you and your dog are going through this. i hope that you find happy memorable moments with him every day he has. i wish you and buster the best.

with love corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

I miss my Zoe terribly too. I grew up as one of those people who never cared to have a pet. My kids are grown, 18 & 10, and for most of their lives, they asked me for a pet, but I always told them "sorry...you can get one when you move out". UNTIL... my dear co-worker who breeds "westies", asked me if I was interested in one ...I immediately said no...but she began to tease me....are you sure ....I've got one adorable little girl left. I went home and mentioned it ....my son lost his mind...please, please, please, mom, paleez! So, my heart gave in and went back to work and said, I'll take her. Little did I know, once I took a little ride into the country to pick her up, my life would change forever. I fell COMPLETELY in love with this lil' puppy, it was a whole new level of emotions and love I never knew my whole life. It was wonderful. I now believe it is now a gift Zoe taught and gave me.

I have always, my whole life, been a upbeat, very positive, smile all day, laugh constantly throughout the day, kind of person. I have always been asked "what is it Deanna that you are able to smile all day, everyday?" Well, it was just me, I couldn't explain it. However, with having Zoe and wonderful she was and losing Zoe, especially due to a quick an tragic accident .... I have never, I mean never, (and I've lost my father and all grandparents) ....had anything grab a hold of me and me think ... I will NEVER be completely happy again. There is such an emptiness in my heart that, I honestly feel, will never be filled again. Zoe was, as you have said was "THE DOG" for me. I roam around my house talking to Zoe as well ....I say thing's like "mama misses you so much little girl" "mama hurts" "mama wants you in my arms again" "oh please God, make the pain ease. I want to focus my energy on the positive things she brought to me in my life, rather than dwelling on her death, but I really try. Going out to dinner with friends, or to the movies with my son, I try so hard not to cry while I am out. Although, during these events, I am thinking ...ok , I'm going to have to go back to an empty, quiet house that used to be filled with such pure loving, fun energy.

A few have said "God had a reason" to take her. I am alil' puzzled with that one....I can't think of any reason, she was so wonderful .....she loved me, I loved her? I am assuming I will learn the reason once I have conquered the pain? I don't know? I am so lost and confused.

Oh, this is sooo hard. The grieving phases are going very slow for me.
I need you guys for support to get through this difficult time in my life.
Thanks to all,
Deanna

~ Zoe - Forever In My Heart ~

i am so sorry for your loss. zoe snuck into your heart and changed your life just as my recently passed kitty acorn did. i had to put him to sleep at only 1 year old because of f.i.p. it has been a few weeks but feels like yesterday. losing our babies unexpectedly is terrible. i feel the same emptiness. it is life altering. i wish you strength and you are not alone.

with love corina and her angels

[openhearted87]

This past week has been terribly difficult. I think it really kicked in Saturday after the 4th of July. I went down to the pool to grill and swim and couldn't stop thinking about how this time last year Kahlua was right there with me, running around the pool to whatever side I was closest to, sniffing around the bushes, trying to get to the food that was close to the ground, being told how adorable she was by neighbors and guests.

Since then I've started to get overwhelmed by grief all over again. I wasn't planning on moving until after the summer was over and my lease was up, but these constant reminders are killing me. Maybe it was because it was a holiday, and holidays stand out more than the blur of days between them. I know this much, I can't be here for the Halloween-New Year's stretch. They say that is the most depressing time of the year for people who have recently experienced loss. I won't make it through that here with my sanity or waistline in check.

Kahlua was a precious, precious little girl. I try to reach out my arms and hug her memory as if she were right there. I miss her dearly. She touched me in a way I never imagined possible and I can't let go. I am so lonely without her, no matter how busy I try to stay. I'm always the strong one. While I've been going through this loss I've been helping a relative go through the a breakup that has torn him up, I've been trying to help keep his head on straight since he's been doing crazy, irrational things. Now a best friend who recently got divorced is having child rearing/custody issues and is doing stupid things driven by unhealthy emotional motivations. I'm great at giving advice for others, knocking them around when they need it and giving them hugs when they need it. But I'm still a wreck over Kahlua.

Helping them deal with their issues has been a distraction from my own. I could choose to bury my issues and her memory. But I worry about doing her memory an injustice by doing that, and I've always heard that you should deal with issues, not hide from them. I just don't know what it will take to get mentally well again and move on. Some say get another puppy, but cir%%stances don't allow me to do so right now. I need to change my cir%%stances.

I love you baby girl Kahlua, always and forever,

xoxoxoxo
Daddy

i just joined this site yesterday. i just read through your whole story. you have such a loving heart. i am so sorry you and your angel had to go through that. i have lost many but it never gets easier. i recently lost my baby kitty acorn to f.i.p. he was only 1 year old. i had to put him to sleep when he began having seizures. we want to hold so hard to the physical body when we cant but we can hold the spirit of them forever. its been weeks but i am still crying all the time at the drop of a hat. things seem empty and so different. it is comforting that i know i am not alone and neither are you. im taking one day at a time but dreading the holidays. i have acorn's and my other kitty angel joshua's cremation/funeral on sat. it will be hard. i hope you are well. i wish you the best. i wish kind words could heal but i think the tears they bring are healing.

with love corina and her angels

[LoveThem]

To 1991 Baby:

my 3 cats were born in 1991. My Little Guy..I lost last Sept. He was the last of 3. He started not eating right in July so I understand where you are coming from...talking about last summer compared to this summer.

I think you will make it to the end of your lease at the end of the summer and then make your plans to move.

It is true that the Holiday months are very hard. My 3 cats were black so I used to call them my Halloween Cats. That was hard in 2007. Then November brought Thanksgiving..a time we are reminded to be thankful for what we have...how ironic was that in 2007? I went through Christmas and said that was the last Holiday there would be no furbaby in my home. I adopted my new cat, Lucky, the day after Christmas...and never regretted it.

But even so, this summer is going to be very hard because I cannot get last summer out of my mind and so, you know and I know we are not alone in what we will be going through to get through this summer.

I hope the time comes closer you can adopt again....that filled the emptiness enough to survive and even be able to laugh at the new baby..who feels as though life just revolves around him...and, in a way, I guess it does now.

I wish you peace and healing and know through the coming days and months, you are not alone in your pain.

[Cheesy]

I am so very, very sorry about your sweet Kahlua. The picture you have for your avatar is so beautiful, and I am sure that in person she was lovelier still.
My prayers are with you,
please keep sharing,
cheesy.

[Cheesy]

p.s
every night before I go to sleep, I kiss my fingers and press it to my cheddar's urn, and I say " goodnight baby guy, mommy loves you." I am saving up to get a locket to keep a little tuft of hair I clipped off his tale the night he passed away, so I can wear it next to my heart. He loved to sleep under the christmas tree, so this year I took his urn, and I placed him there for a while, I even layed next to him(every year we would lay and look up at the lights.) . Allot of people find it strange, but it gives me comfort. If you want to take her camping, you should. I know that it gives me comfort to keep him with me, and to do those little things. Just thought that it may help to know.
With love,
cheesy

[1991Baby]

It's been awhile since I've posted as I've been trying to stay distracted, but I find myself still not being able to move on. I'm often repeating the line "I miss you baby, I miss you my pretty little girl", sometimes just to myself, other times just muttering out loud. This has been a dreadful loss, one I knew I wouldn't be ready for long before it happened, but I've still not found a way to cope right.

She really was my once in a lifetime special little companion. I have begun entertaining the idea of getting a puppy, but I can't see myself bonding, or really wanting to bond with it. I had this inseparable relationship with Kahlua, it took a long time to take hold, probably into year three before I realized I had something amazingly special, but I had that for the next fourteen years. I fear I'd put too much pressure on myself and any new addition to start where Kahlua and I left off, and I know that's unrealistic and unfair to both of us.

I just felt a need to try to relate my grief and distress to others since most of my family and friends think I've moved on, or at should have moved on by now. I know those of you on LS share deeper bonds with pets and their loss.

I was at a memorial for an older friend a week or two ago. When I say older, I mean older - he was 107! And he was sprite, healthy and had all his faculties up until the last few weeks of his life, he worked every day as the oldest CEO in America when he passed. At the memorial his grandkids got up and shared their memories with us and one of them repeated a line he would often say about business and life, "what was ain't is".

I had Kahlua for 17 blessed years, probably close to this friend's age in doggy years. Since hearing those words at the funeral I keep trying to use them to help get over the pain whenever I long for the Kahlua I knew all that time. I get that "what was ain't is", but it sure doesn't make loss any easier. I miss you Kahlua, my heart is still torn asunder by your passing. You are eternally my love.

[Deanna]

It's ok, 1991Baby, the way you feel, however long it takes, again it's ok. I am still struggling after losing my baby on June 12th. I, too, whisper to her daily, telling her how much I miss her. We've had a devastating loss of a beloved pet that can never be replaced and it's going to take time to accept it and to have a happy heart again.
You're not alone,
Much love and support,
Deanna

[LoveThem]

I just felt a need to try to relate my grief and distress to others since most of my family and friends think I've moved on, or at should have moved on by now. I know those of you on LS share deeper bonds with pets and their loss.

Everyone is different about "moving on". There are no time frames. We hope to go on sooner than later because until we do..the pain is just so intense that it is physically exhausting. Anytime you feel the need to talk..don't hesitate..we are always here listening. We all wear the same pair of shoes when it comes to sorrow. We have been there, are there, and some know they soon will be there and nothing is easy for anyone and moving on is a lot easier to say than do.

You mention thinking of a puppy...think of Kahlua as having a brother or sister. You can have a bond with another..it is just that it will not be the same one you have with Kahlua. But the new one looking for love and a home and full of themselves may be just the distraction needed. I have always found that. I have never replaced one of my sweethearts but I have added many to my heart and each one is unique and special in their own way. They live in the moment and are impossible to ignore and we can hug them and cry about the special one we lost.

My 3 were all born in 1991 and I lost them, 1 in 2002, 1 in 2006, and the last one, Little Guy in 2007..in September.
I was thankful too for having them all those years. I wish my canine sweethearts had been able to stay that long...they always had something about age 10 or 12 that could not be cured. I am glad for those years with them but I always was never "ready" to let them go..I just knew I had to..for their sake.

So come here and post your thoughts and feelings and maybe some special photos of Kahlua. To go into the future, we do not have to give up the past (as if we ever could).

Hugs, 1991baby, come here and talk anytime. We are always listening.