Im Struggling

6 years ago I took home the most amazing, loyal, cuddly and friendly cat I have ever known. She had been abandoned by her previous owners, they had moved house and left her in a box in the driveway. Another set of neighbours said they thought Ellie was about 13 years old and gave us a number to get in touch with the previous owners who confirmed they no longer wanted her.
I fell in love with Ellie straight away. She had a lovely nature, huge inquisitve eyes and was very cuddly.When I bought her home she was nervous at first, her long tortoiseshell fur was falling out every time I stroked her and she was incredibly underweight. But with a lot of time and patience she became settled and gained weight. About a year into having her she had a stroke which left her with a wobble when she walked but she recovered brilliantly.

She became the best friend in the world to me, she was always there curled up on my bed waiting for me to get home from work, when I picked her up she would actually cuddle me, holding on, headbutting and licking me. She was always so happy to see people, loved fuss and attention. She would always sit on my lap, no matter where I was or what I was doing, she just loved to be close.She loved playing football with carpet pieces that had been left on my landing, she used to love batting them into the air and chasing them.
She had never been a big cat, weighing around 6lbs but the vet told me that was normal for her and she was just never destined to be a larger cat. She ate well and always loved her cat milk and treats.

Last year I found a lump in her neck, it had come up very quickly. The vet operated and the results came back that she had a rare form of lymphoma. I was heartbroken, they said there was no treatment, especially due to her age of now around 19 years. They told the to keep checking her for lumps and to see if her eating/sleeping habits changed in any way.
I cried my heart out because I knew I wouldn't have her much longer. Christmas was tough, I woke up to find her curled up asleep on my bed, she spent the morning cuddled up with me, lay on my chest and the afternoon climbing over wrapping paper and lying on presents. Its a memory I will always cherish because it was my very last christmas with her.

At the beginning of this year my partner noticed that Ellie had a hard lump in her stomach, and the vet confirmed that the lymphoma had spread and also said she had kidney irregularities. It really knocked the me for six because it all seemed to be happening so quickly, the vet told me he thought she had around a month left and told us to spoil her on the things she loves.
My family did just that, we bought her chicken from the deli, various cat foods and tins of fish. We felt she was getting better, she had a brilliant appetite, was purring and fussy but I noticed she was slowing down.

Last saturday evening, I came home from work to find Ellies breathing was heavy and she was lay sprawled out on my landing. We sat with her, talking and stroking her but she was fading, I knew I couldn't leave her like this and my partner and I took her to be put to sleep. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, I told her how much I loved her, trying everything to hold back the tears. I couldn't be in the room when she left this world, but my mum and partner were amazing. They stayed in with her, talking to her constantly so that she never felt alone. I felt so numb when I left the vet surgery, it didn't seem real.

I haven't stopped crying since then, I can't sleep, I keep having dreams that I'm holding her and its so awful when I wake up and realise that she isn't with me anymore. I feel so lost without her. Today we received her ashes back and in some way I thought it would help but I can't bear that rather than being sprawled out on my bed, she's now in a little wooden box on my shelf. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that she's gone. I'd give the whole world to have her back in my arms, giving me a cuddle again.
People don't seem to understand why I'm so upset, to them Ellie was just a cat, easily replaceable but to me she was the world. She was the most amazing character and wonderful company. My partner has been really supportive, he made me a gorgeous picture book filled with lovely photos and memories, but it isn't bringing me any comfort. I can't cope that she is just a memory now.

My partner has suggested that one day we could look into rehoming another cat that needs some love and while the idea makes me feel happy, I feel that I would be disrespectful to Ellie that in some way it would feel that I was trying to replace her, or that I would adopt a new cat and be looking for Ellies traits in it.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, I just feel so low and hopeless, I just want my little baby back more than anything in the world.