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Missing Kamikazi
48 years old
Gender Not Set
Houston Texas
Born Aug-28-1971
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Joined: 8-May 05
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Last Seen: 11th June 2018 - 05:05 PM
Local Time: Dec 15 2019, 12:48 PM
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Missing Kamikazi

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11 Jun 2018
It has been 13 years since I lost Kamikazi. And I still miss him. My husband says he is the best dog we have ever had, and we have had a lot since we started fostering dogs after Kamikazi died. I figured the best way to honor his memory was to adopt another dog from the shelter.... and that lead to 2.... and 3..... and 4. I have 12 dogs now. All of them small so it is not like they take up a lot of room... except on the bed at night when we sleep. smile.gif I had 14 at one point, but I lost 4 of my furbabies in 6 months last year.

One, my Gizmo....the daughter of Cujo. We got Cujo to keep Cinnamon company after Kamikazi died. Well since she could not be fixed because of reoccuring pyrometria..... They ended up having a litter in 2006. Well... Cujo got fixed RIGHT after that happened as it was never my intention to breed him. So.... we had 6 puppies that were born.... on my birthday in 2006 to Cinnamon and Cujo. Sadly it ended up killing Cinnamon. I probably would have been on here dealing with her passing and feeling terribly guilty about it, had I not had 6 tiny Chihuahua babies to feed. They are worse than kids because as soon as you feed them you have to stimulate them to go to the bathroom. Which is not a problem... but doing this for 6 puppies... by the time you finish... it is time to start all over again. Well... we had Gizmo for a long time and she was my baby. We almost lost her in 2014 when one of my fosters attacked her. Being a small 5 lb dog.... she was thrashed about pretty badly, but 8000 later.... she pulled through. And worth every cent. Well, on 9/11/2017, I came home to her barely clinging to life laying on my bathroom floor. She was not injured in any way. She had been fine that morning. She acted completely normally that morning. SO I can only assume it was something sudden like a heart attack or an aneurysm.

About a month after her passing, we found out her father Cujo had cancer. It was a massive and very aggressive tumor on his spleen. We spent 3000 to have surgery and have his spleen removed. The doctor said he was sure he got good margins and that all would be fine. He had been anorexic recently and we brought him in and found out there was a mass in his tiny stomach. The mass ended up being a 1.5 lb tumor which is huge in a 6 lb dog. Sadly, he lost his fight to cancer on 2/1/2017.

6 weeks later I lost my 2 lb chihuahua Mosquito to heartworm. We knew she had heartworm when we adopted her. We had her on the slow kill method because the vet said that her liver values were too high and her heart murmur was too strong to do the fast kill method. So basically we knew she was terminal when we got her, but she lasted 2 years before she claimed her wings.

And then lastly we lost our cat of 24 years to old age on 4/3, only 2 weeks after we lost Mosquito. Boots had a great life though.

So I sit here today.....thinking back about all of the babies I have lost. I know that most of my group will be following eventually. I only adopt the special needs or elderly dogs now. Mostly because I figure they are so hard to place and deserve no less of a chance at a happy home than a puppy. Just because they were abandoned or abused or what ever... they are no less worthy of happiness. That and since I am about to hit my 50s.....I dont want to have a lot of dogs that someone has to place if I gain my wings. So... as my aging brood leaves to wait for my at the rainbow bridge, I will attempt to not replace them.

But I find myself thinking back to my Kamikazi frequently and thanking him for starting me on my road to being a dog lover. I always thought I was more of a cat person until I saw his little face. But because of him, I have helped many dogs and cats have a better chance at life.

BTW... I would like to thank this site for being so helpful when I was going through my grief. I dont know if I could have made it without this site.
27 May 2005
It will be three weeks tomorrow since my Kamikazi began his wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I manage to get through my days now with only one or two shed tears for him daily. Though I still miss him terribly and think of him often, I know that I cant stop my life because he is no longer with me. Here is how I have dealt with my journey and some things that helped me. Hopefully they will help you.

Week1 -greif - listened to every sad song I could think of. Cried non-stop for the first few days. Housework ignored. Difficult to bond with other pets at this moment. Almost like I had to learn to love them all again. I know I still loved them, but it hurt to know I could hug them but could not hug my Kamikazi. The 1 week anniversary was like reliving the whole thing gain.

Week 2 - anger - Those of you familiar with my other postings know what happened to my Kamikazi, so I wont go into it here. But I will say that the drive for revenge seemed to take over. I spent most of my week getting my affairs in order to proceed legally with every possible thing. My husband announced to me that he is getting me another dog. The one he thought he had gotten for me fell through. He had a difficult time shopping for another dog. It made it hit home for him that Kamikazi was gone. But he thought that it might make the transition a little easier. We adopted another dog at the end of week 2. Week 2 anniversary was still very difficult. I noticed myself clock watching and decided that I better leave the house.

Week 3 - acceptance - My hands have been full with the new puppy, Cujo. He was named so because he is very aggresive ( any tips would be welcomed) and when I put him in his carrier to calm down, all you could see was fangs coming out of the mesh fabric. It reminded me of the Stephen King book Cujo, and so he got his name. Kamikazi is still very much on my mind. I see a little of him in what Cujo does. But now it makes me smile. I sometimes think it is Kamikazi coming through Cujo to let me know he his ok and happy.

Suggstions -
I found that not only letting myself grieve but encouraging it made it better for me. Listen to the sad songs, look at the photos, talk about it to friends ( here or on petloss.com chat room ... bothe are great). It hurt very badly for a week, but each time you listen to a song or see a picture or talk about something you love (still present tense) about your companion, it seems to help it heal. At least it did for me. Avoid those friends that seem to think... it is just an animal. They have probably never experienced such a loss.

Keep your companions things out so you can see them. I keep Kamikazi's tags on my keychain. His ashes for the time being are on the mantel in my living room until I can bury them in their forever home this summer. The kercheif he always wore is looped through my belt loops every morning. His picture adorns my desktop as wall paper, so every time I sit at the computer, I see him and say a small prayer to God for his happiness and my help with healing. It was painful at first to see all of things, but I think it helped me get very quickly over the denial stage.

If possible, adopt another pet. Especially a homeless one. It will do your heart some good to save the life of another, and in my opinion it honors the memory of your pet. I found this step very helpful. I am currently unemployed, and would just sit and think about my Kamikazi. It made it hard to function. Now, I keep busy with my new companion. I still think of Kamikazi, but I know I have my "family" to care for. A new puppy is almost like an infant and requires constant attention.

Surround yourself with people that understand. This might mean spending time away from your normal friends if they are unable to symapthize with your feelings. But real friendships never die. Go to a board, such as this one, or a chat room for recently passed companions. Check with your local vet to see if there is a support group for pet loss. Talking about it with others who have been through this recently and not so recently will help you.

Write a letter to your furbaby. Explain how much you loved them, what you miss about them, ask for their forgiveness if you feel the need ( I think they already forgive us before we ask, but sometimes it helps). Tel them how you feel. I did this and am going to bury it with his ashes along with one of his favorite toys, a Bible, a lock of both my husbands and my hair and a card.

Do something in memory of your passed furbaby. I bought and donated a bed to my local shelter in Kamikazi's memory. Weekly, I also intend to buy a small bag of dog food for a dog and bring it to my local shelter. If you have food left over, and do not intend to get another furbaby, give the rest of the food to a shelter. Or in Houston, I tend to notice a lot of the homeless people tend to have animals with them. Give it to a homeless person for their companion, if you can afford it, get the homeless person an inexpensive meal as well.

Most importantly, forgive yourself. What ever the cause of death of your furbaby... forgive yourself. Be it an accident... or euthanasia. Know that you did your best for them while they lived. Accidents will happen, just learn from your mistakes. Some things just have to be done, such as ending pain or misery. While they lived, you did your best, and that they love ( still present tense) you for it.

DO NOT LOSE YOUR FAITH! Do not blame God, or what ever supreme being you believe in. God is still the same loving forgiving and omnipresent God that he was before your companion died. He is still there for you. He will comfort you in your time of sadness. And He will be there waiting for you when you get through it, and you will. He would never give us anything we could not handle or the help me need to get through something. Pray to Him daily for comfort and peace. He will give it to you.

These things helped me. I hope they can help you as well. If I can think of anything else, I will post it. Please feel free to add your own suggestions as well.

Here is a picture of my new furbaby Cujo
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14 May 2005
I am normally a very frequent dreamer. I normally remember these dreams and keep them written in a journal by my bed. I also believe that the dreams we have can be messages trying to tell me something. I have not had a dream in almost a week Actually, today will be the one week anniversary of Kamikazi's passing. I had my first dream last night. I dont understand it though.

My husband and I were giving away our remaining dog Cinnamon. I dont kow why we would do this,but it is not indicated in this dream that Kamikazi had passed or if he even exsisted at all. Not one mention of his name. But as we were handing Cinnamon over to the people that were going to take her to her next owner, we dropped her and she broke into several peices on the ground. She was a ceramic dog in the dream. We were picing up the peices of the dog and talking to the people that were supposed to take her, and they said, it is probably better off, ,one of them is not going to be around soon anyway.

Anyway that is the dream. I had a talk with my mom the other day and we were talking about my journey through grief.... and I told her that I feared when she dies because she is my best friend in this world. I have no other friends, and she said she did not think I would have to worry about that. She thinks I am going to go first. I wonder if this dream is just a remnant of that conversation or if it is a sign from God telling me.... one of us ( husbadn or I) will be with Him shortly.

I have asked God for peace and he is working on that... I can tell.... and a sign from my dog that he still loves me, and misses me, and forgives me.
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12 May 2005
not a good day.....

talked to the HQ from the pet hospital, and she basically told me what I didnt want to accept..... She told me"Did we feed the dog the bones?" So basically... It is my fault... she is right. If he had not gotten into the chicken bones.... he would be alive today..... accident or not.... it was my fault.

Then... when I went to the doctor for a second opinion... he said essentially.... without seeing him it would be impossible to know they outcome... and I appreciated his honesty...But He did not think he even had a chance. Even had the vet been there....and started treatment right away..... so again... it is all my fault. I know he didnt mean it to sound like my fault....he said it to make me feel better. That all I would have gotten from starting treatment would have been a big bill and still no dog. And I know I am reading futher into it thatn he meant.... but that is what he sadi essentially.

so much for what I thought was great progress through the journey of grief... I am back to step one......if not worse.

Please Kamikazi... forgive me.... I am so sorry I didnt do enough to prevent this. I am so sorry I killed you.. I did not mean it and would give my life up today if I knew it would give yours back. I am so sorry.... I am going to Hell for this.
10 May 2005
Lets start from the very begining.

5/6 - Being out of work gives mommy a chance to spend more time with her husband and her babies. We went for a ride to see grandma today. Though I know there are leash laws... you stay so close to me I let you run free when we go to the car. I got a little ahead of you when you stopped to mark your territory. But as soon as I called your name... you came running to me with your little crooked run. You jumped right into the car and waited for me to get in on my side. You immediately climbed up onto my shoulder where you like to perch while I drive. Your sister, Cinnamon, took her place on my lap. We came home and waited for daddy to come home. When daddy came home, we all went to go get some chicken wings. The three of us sat in the car and waited for daddy to come out with our order. In the mean time, the people in the car next to us commented on how cute you were. I am always so proud of you baby. We went home and ate dinner on the floor while watching TV. though you are a good dog and never beg, you wait close by to act as a garbage disposal incase I should drop even a morsel of food. You know mommy and daddy dont let you have people food on purpose... so this is the only way you get it. Mommy gets up and puts the left overs in the fridge.... Daddy gets up and does someting and goes upstairs to play on the computer. Mommy quickly follows. Both babies follow as well. About thirty minutes later, mommy has had enough computer she goes downstairs to go to bed. She notices some chicken bones on the floor. Kamikazi is sitting near the bones acting guilty... but seemingly ok. Admittedly... this is not the first time you have gotten into the garbage and eaten chicken bones. But tonight we made it too easy for you. Mommy thought daddy would throw away the bones when he finished eating since she finished first. But instead... daddy left them on the floor in the take out bag. Bad daddy... but no harm done... right? Both dogs and cats are seemingly fine. Mommy cleans up the mess and goes to bed. She takes both babies.

5/7 5 am- mommy wakes up and turns over to cuddle with her babies. Notices Kamikazi is missing. She finds him on the floor. He is sitting there looking up at her when he hears her move. She picks him up and puts him near her pillow laying there stroking her babies soft fur. Kamikazi responds with a few soft licks. Sighing he falls asleep. Mommy kisses both dogs and decides it is time to wake up and get the day started. Daddy wakes up at 8 ish and comes up. He leaves for work. He is working 9-1 today. Mommy continues to play n the computer. at about 10 she looks down and sees her baby on the floor at her feet. He always sleeps on her feet when she is on the computer. He prefers to be in her lap but if mommy is typing a lot.. and she was... he settles for the floor. at about 11 mommy goes down to work on some things in the house.... dogs dont follow immediately... but sometimes they wait and see if she comes back up before going down the stairs... it is hard to go up and down so many stairs when you are only 7lbs.Mommy finishes her housework and sits on the couch to watch tv and eat the rest of her wings. She does and throws the bones away. She sits on the couch and waits for daddy to come home. at about 12:55 Mommy hears this funny sound. It sounds like a bee buzzing backwards. She thinks it is the tv or possibly some CB interference on her speakers. She looks around to see if she can see the source. Kamikazi is on the floor near the couch. He looks up at her and wags his tail. Mommy realizes she forgot to finish installing something on daddys computer. She goes upstairs and sits at his computer. SHe had not warmed the computer chair by the time she heard the noise again. It came from downstairs. Mommy goes to the top of the stairs and sees Kamikazi on the bottom stephe looks up at her. Mommy calls her baby to come upstairs. He just sits there.... She tries again..he just sits there looking at her. Now mommy is figuring out that something is wrong. She goes down stairs and picks up her baby. She goes into the living room and sees that there is some loose stool on the floor. And some vomit containing mostly shards of bone.I look at Kamikazi and he has loose stool on his bottom. Mommys baby is potty trained but accidents happen. So Mommy brings Kamikazi outside to finish in case he didn't. She puts him down on the grass and he just sits. Normally his first reaction is to mark everything that wont get out of his way first. Mommy thinks this is strange. You lay down in the grass. Mommy knows he is not well now. It is about 1:10 and daddy should be home soon. We go upstairs to rinse you off. You hate baths, but I dont want poop on your hiney when we get to the vet. I put you in the tub and you just stand there. Even while I adjust the temp.... you do nothing. I rinse you off. and scoop you up in a towel. I call daddy to see when he will be home he is just leaving the gym. I collect the stool you left on the floor and the vomit to bring to the vet. I notice no blood in either so I figure you just have a really bad tummy ache. While we wait for daddy to come in... I call around to see who is open after one on Saturday. I did not think it was a big emergency... you were still responsive. You were not yelping in pain or anything. I touched your belly to see if you would have rebound pain... no reaction... so Mommy thinks it is just a tummy ache. There are only two places open. One the first appointment i could make was at 4:30. The other was Banfield. I brought you to Banfield. I had brought you there just 2 months ago when you had a cold. It was an ok experience. I thought that that would be fine. You kept falling asleep in the car but that is not unusual for you. I think the ride kind of lulls you to sleep since you are so tiny. It is busy when we get there. We check you in and are told both vets are at lunch. We wait for 30 minutes for the doctor to return. The doctor returns and we are seen immediately. He takes his temp and and looks at the samples we brought in. He feels his tummy. Kamikazi sits through this. The vet puts him on the floor and enourages him to walk. He refuses.... he pushes him a little to encuorage him... still nothing. The doctor says that he needs xrays and lab work done. he says there are some plans that his tech will discuss with us. We wait thinking someone is gonna come in and get you to get some xrays done. Nothing happens. My husband instinctively starts his stop watch on his watch. He times everything.... it is usually annoying... but this time it is helpful. After 18 minutes the people that came in after us are in the waiting area talking about their "estimate" . Thier uppy though ill... was not critical from what I could overhear. I feel this is a very unprofessional way to approach someone with a care plan for their pet, but it cant be that serious or they would have had the professionalism to tell them in an examining room. I am holding you and your lower jaw begins to shake. Like you are cold. It is a bit chilly in the room so I hold you close to me. You snuggle into my neck. I wait until the gentleman stops talking to they other family and start to inquire about his xrays. As I do this the tech walks in the room. She starts to explain the full cost.... 706 dollar and change.... just for the work up. What is he a car that you have to write up an estimate? I asked if that was with the plan or without... she did not even know the doctor had reccommended the plan... so she had to go leave for a few minutes to talk to him about the plan..... still Kamikazi is just laying in my arms... in pain. She goes to get the doctor. I change his positioning and notice his head kind of flops about. But he is still breathing. She returns with the doctor he and warns us if we sign up for the plan... we will have to pay for it even if he does not make it and gives us the quote of 269 and change. we never siad we would not do what it took to fix him... but were getting impatient with how long this is taking... of course we will sign up for the plan... it shaves off 400 dollars.... for the same thing.... that is a stupid question. My husband did ask for the chaces of his recovery and though we are told he cant guarantee anything.... he said since he is so young there is a good chance. I want my dog well... regardless of the price but 269 is much better than 706. I tell them just do it... please .. i start writing the check.... and they leave again.. still Kamikazi is with us. Another tech comes in and takes Kamikazi ...finally... over an hour after we got there he is finally getting some help. He leaves me with paperwork to fill out. I work on the paperwork. The tech comes back in about 5 minutes later. He is speaking as he walks in the door saying "It looks like we are gonna..... one moment" and turns around and leave the room. The vet returns about 3-5 minutes later.... exhales and shakes his head. I ask him, "please tell me he did not die". He responds with I am sorry he passed away. We tried to revive him, but were unable to. The next few minutes are a bit blurry. I remember my husband asked if we could see him. I got up... went into the room... and saw may baby laying on the table under the pink towel we brought him in. I reached out my hand to touch him and felt immediate physical pain through out my body like I had just been electrocuted. I could not touch him. It hurt too much. We sat in the exam room until I could regain my composure. Then went out to settle the bill. 110 dollars. Almost half of what it would have cost to start working on him. We quietly pay the bill and leave our world in shambles.

That evening we went to a social event. I was not happy about going but my husbadn thought it would take some of the pain away for a while...and it did... but I cant say my thought were not on him the whole time. It took everything I had not to cry while I was there. We went home and I wrote a very long letter to Banfield. I explained what happened and how I really felt his death could have been avoided if someone had been there to help us or if they had given us a bare minimum estimate verbally as they saw my pet so they could get authorization to treat. I would have agreed to what ever...they could start treatment on my pet and THEN they could have told me about the plans... and how it would save me money. I would have been greatful then. But Kamikazi would have been helped. Even if he had still died... my experience would have been more positive. Instead he died in pain. I felt something sit on my foot while I was on the computer. I looked down to see grey fur and thought for a minute it was Kamikazi... the pain soon retuned when I saw it was my cat... I hyperventalated till I passed out. For the rest of the night.

5/8 I woke up early and called Banfield and asked if they still had Kamikazi that I would like to get a tuft of his hair... please call me and let me know. By noon still no call. I called and they said they still had him. I cried off and on all day. Very hard day for me. I went to get the tuft of hair. I slept a majority of the day. Cinnamon seems to notice he is gone. She has a panting fit and shakes for 2 hours nonstop. Went to mothers to "celebrate" mothers day... but all I could think about was... I am a mom and one of my babies is gone.

5 Hard day for me as i was alone a good part of it. Brought Cinnamon up the the gym to see the boys. It was really hard to do. I cried. Though I seem to cry a little less.... it does not hurt any less. Almost a numbness. Just when I think I am done crying for him.... I break down again. I dont think my body can produce the tears as quickly as I am using them. Cinnamon will not leave my side. I call Banfield to see if I can get his body and ask for someone to return my call asap to let me know. I would like him cremated. I ask for a call back by 10 the next day isince they are already closed. I need to make arrangements this is the reason I want a call back so early. But I thought 10 was generous enough to give them to so they can check in their early morning patients.

5/10 No call by 10 so I call. I can pick up his body. I leave immediately to do so. I pick up his frozen body it is in a garbage bag inside a box. Though I am greatful they put him in a box since I was not thinking clearly enough to bring him... the garbage bag slays me. I bring him home... open the box and bag. I place his bed in a plastic container and put him in it. I wrap him in my sons recieving blanket. Cinnamon sees me take him out of the bag and gets excited... like he is home again. I make him " comfortable", say a prayer and close the lid. Cinnamon watched in confusion as i closed the lid with Kamikazi inside. She sniffed the box and circled it a couple of times as if she were waiting for him to come out. It broke my heart to watch her.Since that time she has done nothing but sleep. I think it brought closure to her too because she had spent the last few days looking for him in the places he normally rests. I brought her out to potty and she did not want to come back inside. So unusual for her. She is lonely now. I am afraid she thinks we are going to kill her since her "brother" is dead. She normally is so attention hungry... pawing at us to hold her.... she now barely responds when we call. I will watch her food intake and bathroom habits over the next few days to make sure she is ok. If by Friday she does not show improvement, I will bring her to the vet to ask how I can help her deal. I have filed a complaint with the BBB.... Banfield.... and am in the process of obtaining his medical records to file a complaint with the Texas Board of Vet Medical Examiners. Thank you QorquisDad for the link. I will update as I go along.
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