I lost my baby boy Bentley almost six weeks ago. He was a mini Dachshund and he was my life, my best friend, my first son. He was only four years old and suffered from a herniated disk in his lower back. The vet overdosed him and he died in my arms the next morning. To make matters worse it happened 3 hours before my daughter's first birthday party. To top it all off my beautiful big boy cat Frankie, an indoor cat, escaped out the screen door late at night 2 weeks later. Two of my babies in one month. I'm devastated. I feel anger and guilt and pain and I don't know how I'm going to live without him. I'm still hopeful about Frankie coming back partly because I don't think I can process the loss of him too.

Bentley was my joy. I know all of you understand how much love you can have for your furbabies. Bentley slept under the covers in my legs every night. I took him everywhere. He understood not only what I was saying but I swear he knew what I was thinking. He was perfect too. Never chewed, never went potty in my house or anyone elses, could be off leash and stay close. I walked him ever single day. I even went for a walk the day I delivered my daughter because walks meant so much to him. Looking back I see that they were the most important part of our relationship. He would run ahead but never too far, looking back at me every once in a while to see where I was.....

Late June Bentley started shivering and his back and stomach was tight. I was nursing a double ear and a sinus infection so my husband took him to the vet. The vet said it was his back. Doxie's are prone to back problems just by design. She gave him muscle relaxers and he was to rest for a few weeks. Bentley stayed home, rested, and quickly recovered. After two weeks it was like he was as good as new. The beginning of August we went on vacation and he stayed with my parents. They have two dogs who are his best friends and we knew he would have fun. When we returned from our trip he was acting strange. At first I thought it was because he was depressed we left him for the first time. After a couple of days I knew something else was wrong. A neighbor told me about her vet and how much she liked him. We took him there and after an exam she said it wasn't his back it was an infection in a tooth that was causing him pain. She did pre-op blood tests and said other than that he was fine and gave us some antibiotics. Well, after the course of antibiotics he wasn't doing any better. moping around, shivering in pain. On the wed. before he died he was shifting and moving around in bed like he couldn't get comfortable moving around every couple of seconds. Then the next morning he peed in the house for the first time ever. The next night Thurs was the same and this time he pooped on the floor and on himself. Completely unlike him. This is a dog who would hold it for 6-8 hours if he had to. I knew he was hurting. I told my husband "Its not his tooth, its his back. Im taking him to the vet today." I called our other vet and made an emergency appointment for 9 in the morning. I had a lot of running around to do to prepare for my daughter's birthday party but I didn't want Bentley to be in pain all weekend and not enjoy himself.
At the vet she gave him all kinds of exams and took X-rays. I had never met this vet because I had not realized the practice was just sold. She said he had two herniated disks in his lower back and that was why he was so uncomfortable. I suspected this. i knew about Doxies' backs and was prepared for surgery, heck I was even telling myself that if he became paralyzed i would buy him one of those little wheelchairs. I would do anything. I never thought death. never in a million years would I have thought he would die. She said she was going to give him an IV of steroids, an injection of muscle relaxers, and an injection of an anti-inflammatory. They also took blood, urine, and feces to send out to a lab for tests. I left him there while I went shopping for food, flowers, and balloons. When I picked him up at 3 the vet said he will feel so much better because of the steroids. "He'll be running and jumping. He'll be very hungry and thirsty". She told me to keep him in a confined space though so he can rest. She said she would call me first thing in the morning with the results of his tests. That night in between all the preparations I would check on him and he was acting weird. i brought him some chicken and put it by his mouth and he turned his head away as if to say ''eww get that away." He was breathing heavy and pacing around. I brought my mom up to see him and she said "Wouldn't you be acting weird if you had all those shots?" That night was the first time in his life that he was in the house but not in my bed. We put him in the bathroom with his blanket. At 3 in the morning I woke up because my neighbors were having a loud party and went to check on him. He was just lying there breathing really heavy and didn't acknowledge me coming in the door. First I went online to check the side effects of the drugs he was given and then I went downstairs and called the ER vet. She told me to check his gums. They were pink. She said that was a good sign. I asked if I should bring him in. She said I could or just talk to the vet in the morning. I wish I could turn back time, why can't we turn back time? But I had my baby sleeping upstairs and it was 3 in the morning and I just thought well, he was at the vet all day. Again NEVER thinking death.
At 7 in the morning I woke up to Bentley making a loud kind of exhaling noise. I ran to the bathroom and opened the door and he was laying there on the cold floor covered in his own pee. I scooped him up and he was like a rag doll. I screamed for my husband and my baby started to scream too. I was saying to him "Dont die Bubbs, Dont die Bubbs" over and over I called the ER and said we were on our way and my husband said his heart is still beating. Then it stopped. he started doing CPR. He left to go to the vet. I had to stay home w/ the baby and he said he was going 100 mph racing to the vet and doing CPR while he was driving. He called me at 8 and said He's dead.

Right now Im crying so hard I can barely see the keyboard. The wound is still so open and painful
I feel guilt that I took him to a new vet I didn't know, I should have taken him at 3 in the morning. Why did I let them give him so many drugs? Why didn't I just take him to that animal chiropractor I researched? Did he suffer all night without me? Was he in pain wondering where I was and why I wasn't there for him?
I'm so sorry Bentley. i wish I would have taken you to the better place down the street.
Im still pissed. I had a healthy dog with a bad back one day and a dead dog the next.

i left many messages at the vet. She never called me that morning. She didn't call me until Mon morning to tell me she doesn't know what happened, his tests all came back normal, and "If you try to reverse the charges on your credit card Ill take you to court" goodbye. I have no answers. i don't know how he died. It was the weekend so I couldnt find a place to do a necropsy until mon and then could not find one. My baby was there in a refrigerator until Wed when we decided to have him cremated.

He was only four. I never thought I would lose him so soon. I pictured myself with him old and gray in ten years. My daughter will never know him. the day I brought her home from the hospital I put her down next to him and he licked her face. I feel robbed. Im pissed at the insensitivity of the vet. Im a total basket case and am fetal position hysterical 4 or 5 times a day still. It was just so sudden and brutal. We decided to have her birthday party to have a distraction. My mom said if we didn't we would just sit around looking at all these flowers and cry all day. So what was supposed to be one of the happiest, most memorable days of my life turned out to be the worst.

Hi, 4Bentley, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Bentley. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with their company. I certainly can understand your feelings about the insensitivity of the vet who treated Bentley. While you may not be able to legally stop the charges on your credit card - - because she did perform tests, treatment, etc., you can report her to the AVMA and ask for an investigation into what happened. You also have the right to obtain Bentley's medical records so that you can obtain an independent review of his treatment from the State veterinary board where you live. You need answers to what happened, and since she is not willing to cooperate with you then perhaps she will cooperate with the State Veterinary Licensing Board where you live. Your loss is compounded because of the unknown's of his medical treatment that day from a vet you did not know. Bentley understands more than you do right now that you are NOT at fault for what happened to him. But guilt is always a part of the initial grief journey we all go through - - because we "never expect" to lose our furkids. This grief journey is one of the worst experiences we will ever know in our lives on this side of eternity, but it is a journey we do not have to travel alone. 4Bentley, we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, 4Bentley, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear 4Bentley

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and can totally relate. Lightning struck me twice too. First with my cat Zita going missing last October, then with the cat I adopted in December, Ziggy, getting shot for no reason other than someone's sick entertainment.

I too had a mishap with the vet and found out in post mortem that she could have been saved but the vet didn't do the appropriate exploratory surgery. I too want to turn back time.

Zita was only 3 when she went missing, Ziggy was just 5.

It isn't fair, it just isn't. It is a very strange feeling to know (in my case) that Ziggy's bowel could have been stitched and wasn't. It was a weird feeling like, she *can* be saved, but actually no she's dead. Additionally Ziggy was a homebody and she had to have been either shot on our property or just outside our gate. She was so friendly that she would have walked right up to the shooter. I could be rageful if I allowed this, but I often feel simply powerless. I understand the hysterical feelings too - it comes in waves - I just sometimes feel joyless and without purpose; that life is really just too painful. Bentley wouldn't want you hurting though, I'll bet he'd be licking your face all over if he could.

I know your pain. I know the frustration of the injustices done. In my case even adopting a new sweet soul is not an option for me at this point knowing some sicko is out killing pets in our neighbourhood.

I am also dealing with some complaint processes regarding the vet procedure which just breaks open those wounds all over. It sucks. It just does. How can these things happen? I don't know. How do we find meaning? In our own way, we seek comfort and belief systems that help us to cope so hopefully find purpose within the pain.

I know your shock and I know your disbelief. I wish I could find words of comfort for you. At this website you will find other people who understand your pain and your loss.

Please vent away.

I feel sure that your Bentley visits you in spirit and wants your pain to subside.

take care and namaste

Jan.

Thank you for the support and advice. I am definitely going to contact the Vet board. Everyone I talk to says Sue, Sue! But I don't think that is an option. I'm glad I can do something though. It will help me feel better. Part of what is making it so hard to start healing is not knowing how he died. What was it? All I can say was the vet did it but I want answers. Its an outrage. If I brought my four year old son to the doctor for a minor injury and he died the next day I would have more options. The doctor wouldn't say "oops sorry. Did everything I could" and go on. Maybe if the vet wasn't so insensitive, acted like she herself wanted answers I could forgive her. But I'm filled with rage toward her. Does anyone else feel like this?

Jan-

I'm sorry about your babies. I am so grateful I found this forum. It makes me feel a lot better knowing there are so many people out there who loved their animals so much. Your reply really touched me. Thank you.

Did you ever feel like your whole world was ripped apart? Like poof! everything you knew was normal and happy is gone? It's so surreal. Last night I was even in bed thinking "Is he really dead? Really? Did that actually happen?" Then of course I start thinking Why did this happen to me? I'm a good person, I believe in karma. Who is doing this to me? Why did you take two babies from me in a month? I even feel like my house is cursed. We have been there less than a year and I think maybe there is some bad energy there or something. I recently burned some sage in my house even.

And I've tried to look for different sources for comfort. In the book The Prophet it says
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart , and you shall see that in truth you are weepingfor that which has been your delight."

And I believe that to mean I'm so filled with pain for the loss of Bentley because I loved him so much.

And the thing about getting a new baby. I had people telling me the very SAME day Bentley died that I should go out and get a new pet. It was so awful to even think about. But a few weeks ago we adopted a dog. I wish we hadn't. We went to our local animal shelter and adopted a girl who was to be put to sleep the next day. I figured if I couldn't save my dog's life I could save another dog's life. But her being here makes it all more surreal. I hear her feet tapping on the floor and think it's Bentley. Or she does things Bentley would never do like chewed up my glasses and peed in the house and I find myself resenting her for not being him. I haven't even bonded with her at all. Too soon and too painful.



Did you

Hi, 4Bentley, yes, I did have a bad experience with a vet several years ago which caused me to seek a second opinion with another vet, and then transferring all of my furkids to this vet. The "bad" vet had bought the practice of the vet I had been taking my furkids to for years - - who I trusted implicitly. The "bad" vet was a brazen loud mouth who mistreated my furkids when he handled them, and when he refused to treat my number one kitty son Eli who was in distress because he didn't think there was anything wrong with him, that was the absolute last straw. I just never connected with this knothead - - and for good reasons. There were many people from the "bad" vet who I heard express their frustrations with him whenever I took my furkids in for their annual check ups. He was rude to me and treated me like I was a thumb sucking idiot, among other things, and these were his good traits, sad to say. About a year and a half after taking my Eli to the good new vet, he was finally diagnosed with Lymphoma - - even to the last his blood tests came back "normal." But a tumor that had escaped previous x-rays finally was discovered, surgically removed, but by that time the cancer was already very advanced. Our "new" vet practice was extremely compassionate, helpful, supportive, - - and did everything they could to help make my Eli's final journey as comfortable as possible. In your case, 4Bentley, you need to know what happened, and the only way this can be done is to have a forensic review of Bentley's medical records done. Please know you are not alone in your journey, 4Bentley. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I just want you to know I have stopped by a couple of times and read your story and am so very sorry about Bentley.

Your experience struck me as so awful and heartbreaking that so far I can't think of words that I think would help you at this time and I was glad to see others found the right words.

But it is true you are not alone here as everyone does care.

I hope soon I can read your story again and the feelings I have from reading it will find the words to write here.

Until then, just know I, too, along with all those here...are so very sorry.

I'm sorry the new girl is upsetting. I am glad you saved her from being put down. All of these furbabies are created with unconditional love they freely give us and they all deserve to live and have a home.

I know I adopted a boy from the shelter but as he is more of an adult, his habits are very different from my boy's. So I understand you seeing she is different from Bentley. I think such a feeling is normal. But I will say....it is nice to be able to hold my new boy and feel the affection back. We are never replacing our special ones but sometimes the new memories of the new one can help ease the pain. All they want to do is love also.

We just have to take things one day at a time. At least you know the one you saved will not be abused, or suffer at the hands of those who do not like animals. She has a home. She has to be taught rules (like my new boy) and it is not easy, I find.

We can share hugs and tears as well as the pain.

Judy

So very sorry to hear about your baby boy.

I went through similar nightmares with multiple vets also. Which is why I will never have another pet. I can't find a decent vet!! Why have a pet if you can't find decent healthcare?

I have a dental scheduled Friday for my 18 yr old cat with a new vet, the guy seems pretty thorough and knowledgable, but please say a prayer for us.

Sorry again about Bentley. Know that you are not alone in your pain.

I feel like this and more.

I go back in my head over and over (though I know it doesn't help) - why did I not get a bad feeling about this vet, why didn't I ask more questions, why did I trust that she was doing everything? She wrote in her letter to me that because "cost was a major concern" led her to the decision not to do abdominal surgery. But in fact she never even gave me a quote! She never told me it was an option in any way whatsoever. Did I come across like my cat meant nothing to me... clearly that was never the case. Did I need to cry and wail...? The vet is at fault for not saving Ziggy, or at least trying to save her. I am not vindictive but I feel sure of this.

Did you have a post mortem done by another vet? I did and that's when I found out that Ziggy could have been saved. It hurts so deeply - I truly know these feelings. My heart often hurts and I don't know I've ever felt this feeling before.

Jan

Yes, yes and yes. All of the above. I have even felt the same that my house is cursed and had the house saged too. I still can't believe it's real and it's been over a month now since Ziggy died. It's like everything is in a strange slow motion now and nothing really is very important.



Someone earlier in this forum quoted this poem for me and I find the words very comforting. The sorrow we feel is because of the joy they gave us.

There is also a poem called "On Pain", I'll post it at the end.



You know, I was soooo lucky with Ziggy after we lost Zita because she could have been Zita's sister or mom. She was adorable and had the same "healer" qualities that Zita did. I've had cats before and Ziggy and Zita were definitely beyond the average cat. Now besides the fact that there is a cat killer running around the neighbourhood and that we are financially tapped out from a dead Ziggy, I just don't think I'd be that lucky again. I feel sooo sad about that too. I loved my Ziggy and even with my other dogs and Zeus there is an emptiness that it HUGE, enormous.

Here is the poem

On Pain

Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Oh, do I know your pain. I had to euthanize my first kitty, Poco (only 3 yrs old) on Sept. 15 due to FIP. We were devastated. Then, wouldn't you know, our kitten, Percy (only 9 months old) shows sign of illness. I take her to the vet and she's diagnosed with the same thing, FIP...again. It's extremely rare to have 2 unrelated cats develop FIP. The only way I held it together at the vet was because of my shock. My shock wore off when I got to my car and then I friggin' lost it. We had to euthanize her this past Monday, Oct. 6th. Lightning stuck us twice in one month as it did you. Just know, you are not alone. All the grief, tears, nausea, lack of sleep, misery, heartache is what I too am experiencing. It's so not fair. I keep asking what the hell I did to deserve this. I loved those cats with all my heart. I feel so bad for you because your dog died due to someone you trusted, your vet. What a piece of crap.

I don't know what's worse, losing your furbaby or having to act like you aren't completely losing your mind after it so that people don't think you're nuts. Why isn't bereavement time from work given? I'm much more grief stricken for my kitties than I was for my grandpa (sorry, grandpa). I seriously can't keep it together. Coming home from work is the worst. They aren't here and I can't stand it.

I know I'm not much help to you in coping other than to say, I'm there with you, you are not alone and I understand how painful it is.

Let me know how you're doing. We will both get through this.....somehow.