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Joined: 12-January 08
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Last Seen: 11th November 2019 - 04:41 PM
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21 Jul 2008
Well, here it is. July 21st 2008. Cheddar has been gone one year.
I am just....I don't know the word for this feeling. It is numb, but I feel things. It is very scary. I havn't really broke down yet. That scares me too, I can feel it under the surface, kinda slowly turning just under my skin. I am scared that I am really gonna loose it. I am not afraide of greife, or mourning him, I am afraide that I am gonna loose my mind. I didnt sleep last night, and I havnt slept today. The sun will be going down soon, and my husband will go to bed, and I am gonna be alone here. I have been alonne all day, and Rick wont be home for another hour. when he gets home he will eat dinner, and have to go to bed a half hour later. He has mandatory over time at work right now, so i am spending a lot of time alone. I am scared I wont sleep tonight. Lack of sleep is contributing to all of this alot. and it is gonna get worse, if I dont sleep.
I miss cheddar so much. I miss my boy. i miss him so much, and I can really shed a tear. I get close and it backs off. I miss him more right now thanI did the day after we lost him. My arms ache cause they cant hold him, my head hurts. I cant even find a smile when I think about all the good times, and funny things he did. I can't even call it despaire. It is somthing unknown, somthing dark.
I am sitting here, infront of my computer, in this place, that means so much, and am having a hard time not just deleting my writing, and turning it off. I know I need to be here, but i just want to isolate, and just hide. I know that for me that is dangerous. I am here, and I guess that has to be enough right now.
I wanted to pay tribute to his life, and spirit today, but I guess that will have to be another day, cuase I am selfsh and self absorbed, and I just cant.
I cant type anymore right now.
please pray for me.

19 Jul 2008

When Lightning Strikes.

by Cheesy

Tears come, welcomed.
Pain is the companion now.
Held close in a greedy way.
Alone suffers the broken heart,
By choice, or fear.
Solum passes single moments,
And no sound breaks losses grip.
Angels gone in a whispers time,
Or slipping silently away,
Let darkness come, unwelcomed,
And teary eyes can't see.
But thru long nights
Where we empty vessels shake,
A light flashes bright,
And lights for us the way.
It comes to us like the shadows did,
But brightness to chases them
And removes the tarish stain.
We have found in that bright flash,
Silver white and true,
That though grief may be,
And our hearts are torn in two,
That in this place where lightning guides,
But thunder never strays,
In our pain we have the key
To heal and renew.
That though we all are broken,
We are strong in all these things,
We chose to let that light flash in,
And give us back the day.

This site has helped me soo much, and it has meant the world to me. I just wanted to post this. I was thinking about this place, and all the sadness, and hurt we all have, and though it pains me, I found a smile hiding in my tears. The smile was that we are all here. We have each other, and more people join each day. So we can all lean on, cry for, and care for each other.
I thank God for all of you,
For this place,
and that there is a place where we don't have to be alone.

3 Apr 2008
hello every one,
Sorry i have been gone so long. Ive had a really bad patch recently, and I have not followed the advice I have given other people, Come back and share.
I was doing pretyy well with my griefe, but I fell apart again. It all started more than a month ago. I started dreaming about Cheddar. Nightmares that woke me up in tears, and dreams he was still with me. I woke up one night, and could have sworn he was on the bed with me, but he wasnt and I was devistated again. I crawled back into my hole of dispare, and shut out every one. For that i am sorry. It has been almost nine months since we lost him, and I still fall to pieces. I know that griefe does not have a time line, but I wish i could heal.
I keep seeing pictures of orange and white tabbies, and It almost brings me to tears, a freind has a big tom cat orange and white, and he breaks my heart. I love to visit with him, but when I leave I feel this empty place where cheddar was. I am thinking of taking down his picture and ashes, they are on a book shelf in the living room. I find my self staring at them, and crying. hazy is still very distant with me, and it hurts. Nori and i are bonding, but in the depression i have been dealing with, she is driving me nuts. her antics, and energy tire me somtimes. I hate myself for typing that, but i really need to just get it out. I am a house wife, and I spend alot of time with my cats, when one ignores me, and the other is driving me nuts, i just don 't know what to do. she is sweet to though and when she is calm, and i am not so wraped up in my slef, we are very close. She is turning into a lap cat, when she isnt running around like a kitten gone crazy. I know she is still a kitten, and high enegy just comes with that, but somtimes i justdon't have the energy for that. I feel like a very bad kitty mom. I keep blaming myself for things that arnt my fault, like losing cheddar, like hazy's grief, blasming my self that I wasnt what she needed.
Hazy just turned six years old within the last two weeks, and i find myself thinking about loosing her, and how much i would miss her. cats can live along time, but they don't live forever, and now after 8 months since we lost cheddar, i find my self petrified of losing another cat. I fear that I just wont be able to handle it. I know that this is all so selfish, I know I am sefl centred in alll this, I just can't seem to get out of it all.
So I dicided to come back to LS, and reconnect. I think about you all often, and i hope that you are all well. For those who are new since my absence, I am sorry for all your losses, and i hope that you find comfort here. For those who i know here I hope you all are finding comfort too.
I am sorry for disapearing, and i hope you can all forgive me. I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all so much.
with love,
4 Feb 2008
Here he is at long last My Good Boy Cheddar!!!!!!!!
He is sleeping, this was the day we pickes him up at the shelter.
Attached File(s)
Attached File  sleepy_boy ( 107.93K ) Number of downloads: 0
24 Jan 2008
Ive done online reaseach, and talked to our vet, so I know that iam most likly over reacting, but my cat Hazy is sneezing alot and i am having a hard keeping calm. She is only sneezing, no wheezing, or running eyes, no running nose,or other symptoms. She is eating fine, and drinking plenty, her eyes are bright and clear, and is showing no fatigue or tiredness, other than the sneezing she seems fine, but i am still scared.
Ever since we lost cheddar I have had a very hard time when the cats do anything out of the ordinary. every tiny thing has become a huge thing that if I don't take it serously, or notice the smallest change I will lose my other babies. When we lost Cheddar there was absolutly no way of knowing, he had no symptoms, and the Doctor told me that there was no way we could have known, but i still can't really belive that.
To make the issue even more complicated, Hazy wigs out when she has to leave our apatment. She is not good with people and leaving the apartment causes her great distress. She get so worked up she vomits, and shakes, and just can't handle it. Every time I have to take her in the vet says she fine, but that the stress is really hard on her. I have tried slowly getting her used to the carrier, I leave it out, and let her investigate it, I even have closed her in it for small amounts of time, while sitting next to her and talking and comforting her and giving her treats, I can walk around the apartment carrying her in the carrier, but the second I go outside, it starts. Ive tried covering the carrier so she cant see and that is no good. I am just worried and freaked out.
Now that is almost 11pm, and my husband is in bed, and I am up all alone, unable to sleep again, it worse. I always have problems this tinme at night. We lost cheddar at 11:10 pm. I have panick attacks, and flashbacks form the event. Now I am sitting here listning to my sweet little Hazy sneezing, and I am scared. It is gonna be very long night.
thanks for listning,
even to such a small thing,

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