I'm not sure why I'm typing right now. I am numb from head to heart to toes. Detached and so lost. And the worst part? I cannot seem to cry. I have always been able to cry at anything. Everyone who knows me calls me "hyper-sensitive". It used to sound critical when they said it, but it was me so I didn't care. Now the tears are stuck or buried or gone.
I lost my mouse baby, Bruiser tonight. This is the 13th fancy mouse, and the 19th death when you count my kitties ( like my Huey who passed on 2/3/07 from genetic liver failure, and I still cannot deal with that), my wild, hand-raised mouse, and my Grandma. Not to mention the losses of animals and people of those close to me. I cannot grieve, and I cannot comfort.
This is so much of a concern, that my counselor and I are working intently on it to see where the problem lies that caused this shift in my emotions and expressions.

Any helpful suggestions to pull out my much needed tears?

The death of the Crocodile Hunter still gets me, but I have seen all the memorials and heard all of the songs, and the truth is, it's not my personal grief. I need to find my own way of expression. With that said, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Steve Irwin and the family and animals he left behind in this painful world.

I can't say more except to say thank you in advance for any help. I have been a member for almost 2 years now, but this lack of tears is all new to me.

Michelle

3 DOORS DOWN LYRICS

"When I'm Gone"

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

[Chorus]
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

[Chorus]

Or maybe I'm just blind...

[Chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone


Even though I am in a strange place in my heart, I can still love. I did adopt a much needed soul from the shelter. I have never actually gotten another baby so fast, but you all know how it is, you walk in, and they find you. So it was with Ewan.
I went to the shelter on 2/15/07 for some socializaion with the lost and waiting souls that are there, and to see if any of Huey's relatives might have been there. I guess he was brought in alone though.
Well, a very sweet and beautiful boy came right to me and started to purr and stood up on my chest, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!
They called him Curly, but we named him Ewan ( pronounced 'you-in'). He's been great for all of us, especially our 1 1/2 year old, Wilson, who was missing his Huey as his playmate. Am I in for more heartbreak in the future? No doubt. Would I trade any of it for the love that I got from my babies, and the love I still get from my babies? No way.
I know I should put these last paragraphs in New Beginnings, but I don't want to say too much about him right now. I still need to release my pain, before I can share my new love. I have to put in a pic though.

I went through something similar (being completely unable to cry or grieve) after a series of very painful losses. I get the 'hypersensitive' thing, too, so it seemed odd at the time that I was so numb. A friend oof mine told me that your body/mind will let you grieve only when it knows you can handle it, and I think that was true in my case. I was shcoked and traumatized (there is a misconception that trauma only results from one single, horrible event - not the case) and wasn't able to process what had happened yet. I ended up finding a great therapist who did TFT (thought field therapy) and it all came up. I find that I deal with loss of any kind much better than I ever would have.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your babies and am thinking of you..

Dear Michelle,

Oh, my goodness, you poor woman! I'm SO sorry you've lost another one....your Bruiser. I can barely believe it either, and he (and all your other babies) isn't even mine. You've suffered more losses in such a short time, more than anyone else I've ever met, it's no WONDER you can't feel deeply enough right now for tears to come!

Although I 'only' had my Nissa's passing to deal with, I, too, was very concerned and puzzled by my numbness and inability to cry (much), unlike how I'd always been, too. I'm an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) so it's unusual for me to not cry at the drop of a hat, especially when grieving. Has your therapist not told you that your lack of tears is understandable and quite normal, especially given the sheer amount of loss you've experienced? Because that's what I was told, and read. I know I felt horribly guilty about it, but everyone was right.....it did pass eventually, and even though I was then able to cry more, it is really only NOW that the deepest parts of my sorrow are surfacing, over 6 months after the fact. And even this, is good, according to my therapist, because now I'm able to start feeling and processing more of the grief....even though it sucks royally!

So try not to fret about it (even though it feels awful to be so stuck). What M&M's Mom says is true - one can only let in what one can handle at any given time and the mind knows when it's been overloaded, so uses shock and numbness as a defensive mechanism for awhile. Your feelings aren't gone; they're just 'on hold' for now.....wisely.

Some of those energy healing techniques ARE a wonder, though. I imagine TFT is similar to EFT and TAT (forgive me the 'alphabet soup' thing here!), in that they all work on the emotional releases we need (EFT also works on physical issues as a result of emotional ones). I've had a couple of TAT sessions in the last month or so and they've done wonders, really, especially for very OLD sorrows from my childhood, and for some aspects of Nissa's loss as well. TAT can heal everything around trauma, even where it's being held in the body, one's aura, the past, and in those we've hurt because of the trauma......seriously! So if you can find someone who incorporates these techniques into their therapy, all the better.

But even if not, know that this numbness is okay, if not pleasant (because it's so alien a thing to us sensitive types). The thing that 'broke' it open for me was reading the last dying scene in "Animals and the Afterlife". For some others, often listening to sad music does it. Or actively handling something of the lost one's. One never knows what's going to work until one tries several things, and even then, maybe it's just not 'safe' enough yet according to the mind, to start releasing that sorrow. So give it some time, too, if nothing works. Mine took something like 3 months to 'break'.

I'm so sorry about Bruiser, Michelle. I can't believe this has happened in your family AGAIN, this soon! Hang onto yourself...we'll be here for you, no matter HOW it goes. And Ewan (thanks for the pronunciation tip!) is such a beautiful boy, who's exuding contentment in that photo. He's so lucky to have a mom, in you.

Michelle Honey

I'm so, so sorry to hear of another death in your family. Poor little Bruiser. You have been through so much lately. I was thinking of Huey the other day, I was so shocked by his death. He was such a beauty and so young.

I have found in deep depression I can't cry. Can't do much of anything, talking is even hard. Like everything in me is frozen. I can 'see' my emotions, I know in my head they are there, but I can no longer FEEL them. Like Bruce Dickenson says in his Song "Tear Of The Dragon",
'my emotions, frozen in an icy lake,
I couldn't feel them, until the ice began to break'.

I'm happy you have your family and have added Ewan. He is such a handsome boy!

Thinking of you, your family and Bruiser and Huey.

My heart goes out to you on this sad, sad day. I know it's no consolation, but I am sharing in your pain, as well as everyone else who is hurting here. I offer you my deepest sympathy, and my heartfelt "I am so, so sorry".

Dear (((((((Michelle)))))))

I am so very sorry about your precious lil' mouse baby, Bruiser .

Please accept my sincerest condolences.



Your quote -- it seems like something that I would write, because I know it is true!

Thank you for sharing your handsome lil' Ewan's picture -- What a sweet looking furbaby. I'm sure that Wilson will enjoy having a friend again.

Peace & Love to you and yours,

Denise

I am so sorry about your babies. Let yourself be...the tears will come when you are ready for them. You are probably in shock, and it is okay to be there for a while.

Thanks to everyone for your kindness and understanding. I am going to mention some of those therapy techniques to my counselor and see where we can go from there.
I am currently keeping a "feelings chart" to help understand patterns and intensities of feelings. We started that when I lost Huey because of my despondence. I think it will help, there is a huge list of positive and negative feelings to articulate, and then you rate the intensity of that feeling. I'm also writing little footnotes to remember some of the triggers.
As for my counselor, she is still unsure if this is "blocked grieving" or if I'm starting to adopt better coping mechanisms. I don't believe the latter is true for the fact that coping does not mean to shut down. Even with great coping skills, you should still be able to express emotion when it is called for. That being said, coping skills can help you not to cry over EVERYTHING, like all of the Hallmark commercials etc. All of the HSPs know what I mean.

Thanks for supporting me through this.
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle

Also, thanks for the nice comments on Ewan. He is such a sweet guy, and it really does help me at times to have him here, especially when I watch Wilson playing with him. When Huey first passed away, Wilson acted very unusual. The weird thing is that most of the time, our animals didn't seem to have an outward reaction to the loss of our babies before. I think they understood. Huey just knocked us all on our rears when he passed on.
Wilson was a band-aid for us after losing Cosmo and several mice, now Ewan is everyone's band-aid.
I hate that there are so many unwanted souls out there, but I have been blessed with the ones that have come to me. If someone else had cared, I wouldn't have (or have had) that love. The only upside of the shelter situation, I guess.

It is hard to photograph energetic mice, but this is a fuzzy pic of Bruiser. He and all of his brothers and sisters looked like their mom, but she was pregnant when I got her, so I don't know what their dad looked like. Since the first mouse of this family passed away at 8 months of age, and the subsequent deaths through now ( only one boy left , Ben), the vet thought they may have been inbred. What a shame that genetics had to shorten their lifespans and deepen my pain.

I think that multiple deaths in a short period of time can just leave you numb. I lost my bunny Sir Francis and cat Casper within one month and I felt so beat up by it that I couldn't express my normal grief. Perhaps that is what's happening to you with your losses. I hope that time helps to heal your feelings.

Michelle

Oh your Bruiser was precious, just too beautiful. I can't imagne it's easy to photograph mice! Thank you for sharing him with us. what a cutie!

Love

Oh, my gosh, HOW CUTE!!! In nature I don't think mice have long lifespans, maybe a year or two at most.
I used to have pet mice too, what little entertaining clowns! Mine were so tame I could lay down and they would cuddle in my neck or hair.
Now, don't get me wrong, I get the heebeejeebees when I THINK there is a wild mouse in the house, but our pet mice, well, just seem "cleaner"
(I also love pet rats, but I've never seen a wild rat, I think I'd pass out from grossed-out-ness and fear!)

Don't you love how your mice groom after a good meal, like us licking our lips after something yummy.

I hope you will share some of your "tiny" stories with us!
Take care, and again, I'm so sorry.