Hello everyone,

I lost my Max today. I don't know what happened...a blur of not wanting to finish treats, to not wanting any at all and to hiding all in maybe a week's time is all I can remember. I took him to my boyfriend's Sunday night so that I could keep an eye on him and get him in at the vet's quicker since they're less than a dozen blocks apart. On Monday morning I awoke to him panting and drooling and we zipped over. Severe anemia (5% of his red blood cells left), sharp intermittent pain and complete weakness with absolutely no idea why...risky 2 unit transfusion but a poor prognosis. I brought him home last night to keep vigil and checked him back in this morning. From what I gather, he had a general rapid crash and most likely a stroke at 2:15 today. He would occasionally decide he wanted a new kind of treat so that wasn't entirely indicative but I should have called the vet's when he was sleeping in the closet this weekend-Doc has given me his home phone for any any-hour emergency. I know the would/could/should of but this will weigh heavily on me forever. Maybe it wouldn't of made a difference..but maybe it would've. I lost my Max today and it's all BS!

I lost my Lily to kidney failure on April 28th and I had written about her in other posts back when she was first diagnosed. We fought the good fight for 2 years of fluids and in the end had to balance congestive heart failure which requires an impossible balance of hydrating and dehydrating (Doc said like balancing a pencil on your finger) which we narrowly mitigated. Painful ulcers in her mouth forced me to decide to risk anesthesia to do a good dental and surgery to remove a mass...10 harrowing days later and she was gone. I miss her insanely much. She required a great deal of attention, because of her medical needs but also because she was the most social cat I have ever known, and she loved me from never more than 3 feet away. I was on here once before after she died and found a post where I had a dream she was gone and awoke to her looking at me and it was just too much to put anything into words and I just couldn't even talk about it.

Part of the reason I tried not to jump to conclusions was because I was trying to force rationality by second guessing my instincts due to the absence of a "medical" kitty. What I failed to think of was this very scenario. Even if people thought I was crazy, it would still have been in HIS best interests. It also didn't even occur to me that God would take two back-to-back at the age of 13. It's something He and I will be discussing in depth numerous times, starting probably about time that the shock wears off and I collide with the imminent freight train of profound, pure and absolute loss and disbelief. Some days, I still can't believe Oliver is gone and I feel like I have only BEGUN to semi-adjust to life without Lily. It's not FAIR to either of them that I am now prematurely greiving for Max after Lily, and even in one post. My Lily is gone and I lost my Max today. I wish I could kill the sentence and I hate the very world in which it's true. I got my Oliver, Lily, Max and Daphne within a year of each other and all as kittens when I was but a baby of 23. It's both the loss of treasured friends, but they were also of the first of my adult family. Even though I've been with the same man and have been raising his child together as mother for 10 years, my cats are mine and mine alone. I feel distinctly sad but protective of the fact that I alone know what their passing means. To turn and say, 'and then there was Daphne'...it makes my stomach turn and I have that familiar and distinct sense of having an ice crean scooper carve out my chest.

I was going to post notes to my babies but I'm simply just too exhausted and horrified right now. There's so many things I miss and am angry that I don't have anymore that the post would be a book anyway, except to say that I will love them ALL the days of my life. Thanks for anyone reading and I am so sorry for your losses too...if there's any comfort to be had, it's that people out there know the power behind saying how incredibly sad I am and the world is not a better place.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I've been in the chat room a lot here today, still dealing with my sadness and grief from my loss 6 weeks ago. And now I read about the sudden tragedy of Max, preceded by Lily, who passed about a week before my Kota. I can't imagine what tricks your mind is playing on you, feelings of anger, unfairness, guilt, emptiness. Like you said, they were your family not your boyfriend's. It's too near and fresh to even need to think rationally or make any decisions. You have made it this far, since the passing of Lily, and no, it's not premature to be grieving for Max. From all that you said about the medical help that you gave him, and the vet's kindness to call him at home, you did what you thought was in his best interest. Who knows from moment to moment what comes at us and our loved ones. I'm just sorry that it happened so sudden and in the wake of your other loss. I am thinking about you, and I'm sure as other's read of your loss, there will be prayers and wishes for you, Max and Lily. Thankfully, you were here on this earth to give these two loving creatures the care and love they deserved and which you gave so unselfishly. Here's to Max...

Dennis

Hi Sarah,

It's the worst isn't it? I can't fathom having lost both of my babies in such a short time. The one I am grieving for is more than I can take.

I understand your guilt thinking maybe you should have known or picked up on some obscure sign. That's exactly what is going through my head. I don't know how to make that feeling go away for you (or me), but I wanted you to know I can empathize. And for what it's worth, I don't think it would've changed things even if you had been able to somehow "know" sooner. God or the Universe needed our kitties to come home, and I don't think we could've prevented that.

xoxo,
Rachel

Hi, Sarah, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Max. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

I can feel your pain in your post, Sarah, for I, too, know the pain of losing two beloved companions within three months of each other. It's incomprehensible - - sometimes I still find myself wondering about the "purpose."

Sarah, I wish there were some profound words of comfort I could offer you that would magically take away the pain of your loss, but regrettably I don't have that power. But I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing. And thank you so much for sharing pictures of your precious babies with us.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Sarah, I just read your post and am feeling empty as to how to reply to you. Your words mirror my experiences over the last several months as I, too, have lost all my babies. I, too, tried not to get frantic when the second one got sick. I rationalized everything away. Then, like you, everything snowballed and he was gone from kidney failure and congestive heart failure and all the complications you know too well. My two cats were littermates and 15 years old. Again, like you, they were my first pets as an adult. They and our dog Buck, who died 2 weeks ago from kidney failure as well, were the only children my husband and I will ever know. I know the utter and complete despair and loss you're feeling.
Last night I told my husband that sometimes when I'm thinking of the 3 of them, I feel like I could just stop breathing and be done. Your and my situations are unique in that we are struggling with grieving for all at once and trying to somehow grieve them individually so we don't feel we have slighted them in any way. I feel so bad for my second cat to die, Niles, because losing him was wrapped up in still grieving for the first one, Frasier, and the anticipatory grief and care for Buck. I don't feel like he got what he deserved.
I'm so sorry for your losses, Sarah. I wish I could help you to feel better. I do have to mention, though, there are some ironies between your story and mine. We have "inherited" 2 female cats during this whole awful process. The first one, we named Daphne! And the second one was already named Sarah! As I was reading your post and feeling the familiarities of your story, my mouth dropped open when you wrote about "and then there's Daphne" and then again when I saw your name at the end of your post. I know all that doesn't have anything to do with comforting you but I just thought it was quite a coincidence.
I hope you're feeling better today.
-Donna

hello all...

thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind replies. i'm sorry i haven't replied sooner, i've pretty much thrown myself into work and i've been here a few times to lurk but just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. i probably should have, it made it's way out on as an eruption on my family tonight. i feel so mad and empty and the man and boy have been insensitive. i figured out tonight that part of it stems from the fact that max loved my boyfriend, even preferred him at times, and i'm bitter that he hasn't shown remorse. they knew my cats too...my feelings are just but i suppose the delivery overly compensated.

dennis: i'm so glad for this site, i can't imagine not having people available who understand. regardless of the loss and sadness, i will be eternally thankful of the gift of being chosen for them. they were/are some of the best friends i will ever have and they have a place forever in my heart, more so than most people i know. it was no stretch to care for and love them, and while i would have definitely acted sooner, i would have put in twice the effort for even half the time to do it all again.

rachel: yes it surely is the worst. to lose one put me in the red, but now i feel like i was kicked in the head while down. i hate this life now and it's inescapable...i just feel like checking out for awhile. i did see the signs and i made the wrong call by not acting...it took the situation to take a turn for the worse for me to act. the regret of not acting and ignoring my instincts will be top tier for the rest of my life. i feel that way about oliver too, even 2 years later and i'm so disappointed in myself for doing it yet again.

moon_beam and tanbuck: incomprehensible fits perfectly...i have this mental block-out when i try to zoom out far enough to think about it all, it's just bleak and insurmountable. the few times i even get a glimpse result in pure despair that take my breath away too...i could just drown in the weary sadness of losing them all. losing back-to-back not only forces double the grief, but there's a time in your life you grieve for too if that makes sense... i want to just go back in time and lay around with them all, appreciating all their wonderful personalities and quirks. i can remember when they were young thinking how bad it would be when i approached 40 but thinking how far off that was and i had my spry funny family and life was good. and here i am at the age of 36-having lost my oliver 2 years ago was the beginning of the great decline-and now my house is a shell of it's former self in less than 2 months time. there's less need of everything...last night i put enough food down for the olden days and then realized it was way too much and i almost circled the drain. treats are excrutiating too-just a short time ago, i needed 2 cans for everyone to have a decent dollop. now one is too much since my piggies aren't here to devour them. i used to be herded into the kitchen when i asked if they wanted a treat. yet another thing that i want back so badly i have physical pain. time for me has stopped, my house is still pretty much the way it was during max's last night home. i just can't muster up the strength for sweeping and the like...

at some point, i would like to post about all the things i miss but i hurt too much tonight. eventually i'd even like to make a tribute video for them. thanks again to everyone, it's as comforting as possible knowing of others who share the same loss and that we have many shoulders to help with this awful burden.

sarah

(tanbuck, that is an odd coincidence about the names...and i too have acquired 2 females in the last 2 years through various circumstances. angel, whom my EX best friend left when she moved and abandoned rationality upon meeting her new boyfriend, and bonnie, who just showed up for nightly treats, then needed safe haven for her hurt paw from salty winter streets and never left. actually, i have an intensely affectionate boy stray too, thomas, and he is FIV+ so he is always separated...of course, daphne is the queen. <3 )

Oh Sarah, I feel your pain. I really really do. I know what you mean about mourning a certain time of your life. I know what you mean about approaching 40 and stressing over losing your babies one day. I know what you mean about not cleaning the house - it took me months to clean the room Frasier died in. I know what you mean about the quiet and having a shell of a home. I know what you mean about the treats and the piggies and being herded into the kitchen. I used to sing the jingle from the Hungry Hippos Game commercial as I'd go down the hall to feed them. They were my hungry hippos! And I know what you mean about the physical pain.
I know what you mean! I so know what you mean! It's just awful. My heart goes out to you as we travel this painful path. I just want my old life back. I want my family back. I know you do too.
-Donna