Having A Rought Night

I can't sleep. It's 3:15am and I can't sleep. My mind wandered to my poor kitty and it just made it worse. It's been since April 24th, so a month and a half since I had to put my 17.5 year old cat to sleep. I wrote on here before about her, so I won't reiterate the story.
I was getting better. I wasn't crying when I thought or spoke of her. I had some pictures up to make me smile when I saw them. I think the bad thing is that we had some kittens up at our house up north. THey were a wild litter but my mom captured some of them so we could try to tame them and give them a loving home. I want so desperately for her to keep one. But she's afraid that the smell Butterscotch left behind (she was urinating around the house in the end) will make these kittens do the same. I can't take one for myself because my boyfriend is horribly allergic. It saddens me that I may never have a cat ever again. Dogs are great, don't get me wrong, I love them too, but there is something magical about a cat. Something that you only experience when you are the one it loves.
I think I'm feeling a little guilty... I'm not trying to replace Butter... I just miss her a lot, and I want to find something to fill the pain. I know a different cat wouldn't fill her shoes. No one could... well, I guess fill her paws. ;)
I just wanted to write on here, to put down the feelings. This forum helped me before, and it helps me now...

I Had To Let Her Go

Last night, after my cat had stopped eating for a few days, I decided to take her to the vet. She refused to eat anything I put in front of her, even a piece of turkey which a week before she would have begged me for. When I took her in, it was evident that it was over. She had kidney failure and heart disease. She couldn't make it anymore.
My poor Butterscotch. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do, handing her to the vet and saying goodbye. Mentally she was still there and I just ache wondering whether she knew what was happening. I just hope she wasn't angry at me for taking her there. She was just in too much pain.
I've had her since I was six, since first grade. I'm 24 now and she's been with me for every important thing I've ever went through. Every memory I have, includes her. I don't know how to get through this. I cry so much because everywhere I look reminds me of her. Every sound I hear, I look, thinking it's her.
We have a golden Retriever also, and i feel that she is confused. She wants to know where her buddy of 13 years is.
My kitty gave me so much joy over the years and I love her so much. I found this site while I was crying tonight. I've lost a pet before, but never one who I had been through so much with. She was always there when I came home, and always crawling on my lap when I needed her. I miss her warmth.
One of the hardest things is that the man that I am in love with is allergic to cats. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to fill the void that she left behind. Not that I would want to replace her.... but it's hard, when I'm such a cat person.