Why Hasn't The World Stopped Turning?

I am so grateful to have found this forum where people can share their loves, losses and grief. I belong to a dog forum where I've known the posters for years. However, after posting my loss, it got quickly replaced with new topics - sort of like a 24-hour news cycle.

Last Saturday, I made the heart-wrenching decision to have my 14 year old Toy Poodle euthanized. As many do, I've second guessed my every move that day ever since.

Bogey was a therapy dog for many years, visiting nursing homes with me and comforting the elderly, many who were grieving having to leave a beloved pet behind to enter the facility. Poodles, often high-strung, aren't high up on the list of potential therapy dogs, but Bogey was the epitome of calm and patience.

He wasn't without his health problems, that's for sure. He had surgery on both knee's and numerous lumps removed. However, for the last four years, he would have violent episodes of vomiting, not eating, dehydration, severe lethargy and had been hospitalized many, many times. He had exploratory surgery done and all his major organs biopsied, yet no definitive diagnosis was ever made. He had so many tests done, but we couldn't find what was causing it. After seeing numerous specialists, the process of elimination led them to believe he had pancreatitis.

I started home cooking his food and did years of research on dog nutrition and alternative therapies. He has acupuncture or homosiniatry every week. I do attribute these three things to giving him 3-4 years he would not have had otherwise.
Over the past two years, his care has been all-consuming. He needed sub-q fluids, many meds and it was increasingly hard to get him to eat. He went blind this past year and managed pretty well as our 7 year old Pomeranian just naturally took on the role of guide dog. It was precious to watch her care for him.

With each bout this past year, I could see him getting more frail and not getting back to 100%. It was so hard so keep him hydrated, but he loved watermelon, so I gave him some everyday to get some moisture in him. On his 14th birthday on the 4th of July, I made him a "cake" out of watermelon.

Unfortunately, I didn't have pet insurance for him. I can't even imagine the thousands spent over the years without a second thought - he was family. I don't have any children and have often been accused of caring more for my dogs than I do for people - maybe true.

Bogey saw numerous vets in town, depending on his needs. Sometimes, I would see a traditional vet, often a homeopath. I knew when the time came which one I would choose to help me say goodbye. He was just as wonderful as I knew he would be. We said prayers over Bogey and celebrated his life by telling stories of our favorite times with him. He re-opened the office after closing for the day so we weren't rushed in any way.

Regardless, I came out to the car afterward in a complete state of shock. I couldn't believe what just happened and that I made it happen. Immediately, and ever since, all I can think about is how much I want just another day with him. I'm shocked the world kept turning since it felt like it had just ended.

With all the care-taker responsibilities gone, I don't know who I am anymore. My remaining dog, Cali, is grieving, too. She is not eating well at all and wonders the house looking for him. He has been with her all of her life.
All I want to do is sleep and cry. I'm trying to play with Cali more and take her for more walks, etc., but I can't wait for night to come so I can take a sleeping pill.

I know the only way out is through, but this really stinks. Friends and family, more or less, are saying he lived a long life, he's not in pain anymore, you still have Cali... and I want to tell them all to shove it, but I don't. My BIL used to say when he'd come over, "God, isn't that dog dead yet?"

Well, thanks to those who managed to stick with this long ramble. I just am lost without my baby boy. Even 14 years isn't enough... I don't know if you can post pics here, but I will, if allowed and can figure it out.

Peace and hugs to those suffering tonight.