I came in from the grocery tonight and saw my little cat lying so still on the couch, went over, and she was gone already. It had to be within the past hour, and I feel unspeakably bad that I didn't know, and wasn't there at the end. She'd been eating and playing earlier so I don't know what happened. I guess I'm still in shock about it, and it just hurts so bad. I've lost a cat before, but she was 17 and in kidney failure, while Magic was fairly young. I don't know exactly how old she was - I took her in 3 years ago because she was living in a sewer near our house, and the vet could only guess 3 or 4 years old. Silly cat - until the past few months she'd always try to escape, and when she did, we always knew where to look, in her sewer. Lately she'd been more of a homebody, and played hide-and-seek with me, and even played a little with the others 5 cats. (She'd always hated them before.)

And I guess that's part of it, that she'd been so happy and calm lately, why it hurts so bad now. I just can't believe she's not here anymore. The other cats seem very subdued also - maybe that's just my imagination. It's been 4 years since I lost my older cat, and I'd forgotten how much it hurts, literally physically. I know I have other cats, and I love them dearly, but Magic grew on the whole family and was really coming into her own around here. She was such a funny-looking little cat, so feisty - I can't imagine her being gone.

I'm a religious person, and I have no doubt that all my pets who leave are with God now, and safe in His love and care. It just hurts, and feels like it will hurt forever - but that's not possible, is it? All pain is blunted and blurred in the end, and we will mostly remember the good times, right?

I guess I just needed to reach out and try to rationalize all the pain I'm feeling, since I don't want to burden my kids and other cats - my husband is TDY now so he doesn't even know. I know there are so many other people out there who have gone through what I'm going through now. I guess I just cry myself out, and pray, and know that at least Magic's last years were warm and happy. It just hurts, more than I can say, like it will overwhelm me, and I can't let that happen. Please, God, help us heal.

I'm so sorry about Magic's passing. Yes it is very difficult to bear the pain. Even being religious and knowing you gave Magic a good life does not alter the hole in your life from his departure. It will get better in time though it certainly doesn't feel that way now. Sometimes doing something to help other animals in his honor ameliorates the helpless feeling. Volunteer at an animal rescue or adoption group. It is rewarding in its own right and gives you a sense that you are helping Magic through the others you help.
Since Daddy Cat's death my wife and I have been helping at a local adoption group and it has really helped with the closure. Here is a photo of one of the cats we helped to adopt out to a good home. I wish you well and hope your pain lessens as you work through the grief.

Ken Albin

I thank you more than I can say for your kind words about Magic. I was feeling so alone and not wanting to distress my kids with my crying and sadness. It's a good idea to try to help other animals in Magic's honor, and I will see what I can do. I'm disabled, so can't drive to a shelter to volunteer, but I do feed the several neighborhood ferals who show up at my back door nightly. One looks remarkably like the photo you posted.

It's sort of odd, too, that just two weeks ago I brought in one of my ferals who I'd been feeding and sheltering for over a year, a black-and-white cat like Magic, but a male, and much much bigger. I had him vet-checked and vaccinated (I had trapped him for neutering last year). Magic didn't like being around the other cats too much but she'd lie on the sofa with Bear for hours - the same sofa she passed away on. Sort of ironic, isn't it?

It's kind of unusual what the other cats are doing tonight after Magic's passing. I'll be taking her to the pet crematory tomorrow morning so have her wrapped and curled up in a box in the living room. Normally, my bed is "Cat Central" at this time every night, but all the other cats are arranged around the living room at a respectful (well, to my imagination, anyway) distance from Magic. I kind of miss them being here but maybe they're paying their own respects that way.

Anyway, thanks again so much for your thoughtful words. I still feel grief and shock, but knowing that someone out there empathizes and understands means more than I can say. When the pain from this loss passes or lessens I hope I can pass on to someone else the sense of comfort you've given to me.

Tomorrow sometime I will be going in to pick up Magic's ashes from the nice folks at the pet crematory. She's the 4th pet who's gone there, including 2 rabbits and my son's hamster. I am dreading it so much, realizing the finality of it all. The people who run this place also are setting up a no-kill shelter next door and sell pet supplies to benefit our local Humane Society. I'm thinking that as a memorial to Magic I'd see if they need any volunteers. I don't know that I'm in any shape to do that but I feel like I should do something.

I don't know if the days are getting easier or not. For awhile there I was rationalizing everything and seemed to be able to accept her loss, but now I'm not so sure. I try to compare this loss with losing my Heidi-cat to chronic renal failure 4 years ago, but she'd been so sick that I'd done a lot of grieving before she died, and so I can't find much comparison - I don't know how I got through that time. Maybe there's an amnesia that kicks in after awhile, like when you labor in childbirth. I worked as an OB nurse for years and had 5 kids myself, and I was always amazed at the ability women have to - not forget, really, but to put aside the agony once there was a baby as proof of the hard painful time they'd had. If there's a selective amnesia that's going to come into place now, I wish it would hurry up, because this pain is comparable (to me, anyway) of labor and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. To add cruel irony, it's the holiday season when we're all trying to be happy and please others, and my "others" are going to be mighty disappointed with my efforts.

So, I'll keep waiting for this pain to ease, and try to take comfort from those around me and on this site, and someday it has to get better, right?

I understand your deep loss. It's hard when you don't have anyone to share your sorrow with. It will be much easier for you to cope if there is someone else in the family that understands how you feel. If your kids are old enough - maybe they are feeling the same way and trying to hide it as you are. I lost my own fur-baby in September and grieved all alone. ....still crying. That's why I googled "pet loss support" tonight and came to this site. I hope you are feeling better. I broke down in sobs every day for a month - and then it effected my health and I had to stop crying until I healed. Now my tears are flowing again - but it isn't quite as painful. The past 3 months have been a blur - I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Take care of yourself.

I guess at this point every day is different and difficult in it's own way, in terms of recovering from this loss. During the day, I had so much to do that I wouldn't let myself dwell on my grief, but at the end of the day it came creeping back. I've gotten into the habit of sitting on Magic's couch and talking to her, and of course there are tears and recriminations to torment myself with. I had been so hopeful during the day that I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but then I gave in to memories and next thing I knew I was sobbing. It used to be that when Magic ever escaped from our house (she never entirely agreed with the premise that being an indoor cat was a healthier happier way for her to live, and so she constantly hovered at the door waiting for her chance to escape) she'd make a beeline to her old sewer on the corner of the street up the hill from us. So we would wait for dark and one of the boys and I would traipse up there to find her. Usually she'd come right out of the sewer or the bushes near them and trot up to us, ready to go home. Sometimes we had to walk up and down the street several times, talking loudly so she could hear us. I'll tell you, we got some strange looks from those neighbors - they must have thought their neighborhood was being cased by this middle-aged woman and a kid. Anyway, Magic would eventually show up, and the feeling of relief was so overwhelming! Now I sometimes think that if I just go up there again, and call, Magic will once again come trotting out talking to us with that funny little yip she had. And it struck me that she won't be doing that, and I just broke down knowing that. I was always able to rescue her from her bad situation before, but not now. And so that was my trigger to fall apart tonight after I'd been so proud of myself for maintaining my emotions during the day. Now I'm just numb and sad and cried out for tonight. I miss her so much. Thanks for listening.