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Toni
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Joined: 21-November 04
Profile Views: 1,084*
Last Seen: 24th November 2004 - 12:35 AM
Local Time: Mar 28 2024, 07:49 AM
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Toni

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21 Nov 2004
One thing I cannot get over - cannot forget, cannot wipe from my mind - is the sight of her on THAT table, with her front paw shaved.......the vet missed the vein and her blood spurted briefly...oh god, I caused her EVEN more pain at that moment and THAT image is seared in my mind.....I am forcing myself to stay awake now cuz I see that sight inside my eyelids when I lay down....I don't want to see that anymore but I need to punish myself cuz she NEVER did anything like that to me.....so how could I??????? Somebody tell me how????
21 Nov 2004
To All; I thank god I found this site - to know that I am not alone is a source of great comfort to me. I have posted a few rambling messages - I am still on auto-pilot and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Question is; why would I want to? She is in my heart, but I want her in my arms, NOW. I miss her crazy bad; who am I going to kiss and hug and tell all my troubles to? I don't want to live without her....I haven't had to for 15 years and can't even remember life without my sweet little stinky bum. I miss giving her really bad haircuts and then laughing insanely at how undignified she looked having the fur cut off the back of her back legs (poo would get stuck, so i had to keep it trimmed). She looked like she had been riding a horse too long when looking at her from behind. She would strut away very stiff-legged at having been subjected to another of mommy's home-haircuts. I have no one to talk to - my daughter is 17, but her grief is so personal to her, she confides in her best friend and on some level she is angry with me for having to make the decision that caused her to be permanently separated from her sister. And yes, the cat was her sister - I treated Angel like my child, my sweet adorable cuddly soft downy yummy-smelling baby. I killed my best friend - I am not only going to hell, I am in HELL.
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21 Nov 2004
My precious baby cat's visage watches me as I type this - I have pix of her plastered all over my home. I think one moment her stare is accusatory - then I dare to look up at her again and I see trust in her eyes - I am her mom, surely I didn't do this heinous thing to her. But I did...I let the vet euthanize her - HOW COULD I??? She was never a talkative cat - Miss Princess Angel rarely meowed, but her expressive blue eyes spoke volumes when she gazed lovingly upon the person who would one day end her life - the person who swore to go to the ends of the earth for her - the person who spent literally every free second of life entertaining her and brushing her and planting a million sloppy kisses on that certain spot in front of her ear that tickled her. I am a very solitary person - my sweet little Lee-Lee (one of a BILLION nicknames) was my partner - my BEST friend, my confidante. She NEVER told my secrets to anyone - she NEVER talked behind my back, she NEVER thought I looked fat in those pants, she NEVER was happy to see me go, she ALWAYS knew I was approaching the front door - she ALWAYS sat there, listening for the key in the lock, and would greet me with the proper feline disdain (which was just a facade) acting like she didn't care that I had been gone. She DID care, she always missed her mommy and her sister (my daughter) and would scold me gently for leaving her alone. She always made an adorable trilling sound when she jumped on my bed - she had her spot -which was where ever I was laying. I am on the edge of an abyss; the specter of continuing a normal life without her is UNTHINKABLE. I don't sleep in my bed now - I sleep on the couch, as I can't bring myself to be comfortable and warm and safe after I consigned her to somewhere else. I don't deserve to be forgiven; I want her back - I love her so much I feel like someone is carving my heart out with a dull spoon. Fifteen years of unquestionable loyalty; undying love has died - I feel like I am frozen inside. When the pain of everyday life was too much for me, I would hug her warm soft body to me, and I could feel the pain ebb away as the perfect cadence of her breathing and purring would soothe me; I was whole again and could face my problems. Life made sense when my shmoopy was beside me; all was right with my world when baby cat was in it. What kind of world is it that allows the bright spots in life to be snuffed out? It is no comfort to me to hear that I had fifteen years - I WANTED MORE. I WANT ANOTHER FIFTEEN YEARS WITH HER. I wasn't finished showing her how very much I love her; how much I needed her in my life; how much my daughter needed her; how integral she was in the fabric of our lives. I wasn't finished taking a bajillion pictures of her every movement; I wasn't finished boring everyone within one thousand miles of stories of "How cute Angel was this morning", or "She did the most wonderful thing today - she walked by herself into another room!!" Anything she did was remarkable, magical, adorable because she was MY BABY CAT - my ANGEL.
21 Nov 2004
****EDITED BY MUFFINS...............11/21/2004 @ 7:15PM

My beautiful cat of 15 years, Miss Princess Angel, passed away 3 days ago. I am totally devastated and cannot function; how can I live without her?? I feel like I betrayed my best friend; I had to have her euthanized and I feel like I killed my best friend. My grief is overwhelming me - I sleep with a photo of her that I put in the exact spot she liked to sleep on my bed. I am still putting food in her bowl - I still position the closet door where her litter box is so she can get in - I cannot even bring myself to empty her litter box. I loved her so very much that I cannot see past having her put down as being a humane thing - who am I to decide if she lives or dies? Maybe she wanted to stay with me - how can I live with myself?? Please help me.

Thank you!

Toni
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