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20 Nov 2012
My 10 year old cat Tess has mammary cancer. The tumor is growing and she's beginning to decline but her quality of life is still good so it's not her time quite yet. July 1st I found a small lump and that is when this whole thing began. Almost five months of the ups and downs and the anxiety and the acceptance and the paralyzing grief.

I have a 20 pound turkey to prepare and a house to clean and I don't care about any of it. I feel absolutely crushed by this sadness and I thought maybe if I just wrote it down it might help clear the fog a little so I can get some things done.
7 Jan 2009
**I wrote this overnight after my almost 11 year old cat Tucker passed away. He died at about 1AM and the vet didn't open until 9AM and it was a long night. I just wanted to put it up publicly somewhere. Thanks for reading.

Tucker passed away today, about 1:00 am on January 3rd, 2009. There was no indication whatsoever that he was anything but perfectly fine. Last night he was sitting on my computer desk watching a bird video. At 6:00 he ate his dinner without hesitation. Iím glad I decided to break out the good stuff he got in his Christmas stocking. His last meal was duck. At about 10:00 he was lying under the Christmas tree. I heard him coughing. Just a normal cough like he does if he has a hair ball or something. Then he yowled very loudly and by the time I got to him he was limp and barely breathing.

I grabbed him up and shook him and amazingly he revived. He panted very hard and his back legs were wobbly so I held him in my arms and rocked him sitting in the recliner. He came back around, alert and responding to his name, he even went in and used the litter box. He seemed okay if not quite himself. He even responded to a toy and ate a cat treat though he seemed to have a little trouble getting it down. At about 12:00 while I was holding him and petting him it happened again. Again I revived him. He started breathing, went in and used the litter box and lay back down on the floor.
This time he was not quite as alert although he was up. He was very vigilant and wouldnít lie down and try and sleep. I could see that something was very wrong and that things were not going to go well. At about 1:00 he got up and moved to another place on the floor. He started the labored breathing again and flopped over on his side. This time I just pet him and let him go. I picked him up and held him and he died in my arms.

I got to say goodbye. I got to tell him he was a good boy and that I loved him very very much. I got to soothe his fur and tuck a fuzzy mouse into his paws, wrap him in a soft fleece blanket and tuck him into his bed one last time. His sisters got to look him over and sniff him and say goodbye. I took him to the cold car until morning when Iíll take him to the vets for cremation.

Iím grateful that he went so quickly without suffering. Iím grateful he died in my arms, at home where he was safe and not afraid. Iím grateful he got to have one more Christmas. He slept under the tree, got new toys and even wore a red sweater like he was born for it.

I never thought that he would grow to be old. He was such a big cat and heíd been through two medical crises already. After his urinary tract adventures I made up my mind that I would not put him through any more medical treatments and Iíve been preparing myself for probably the last year or so. It doesnít make me any less sad. I loved him dearly. He has been through ten very tough years with me. Five moves, all of which he handled like a champ. All he ever needed was his food bowl, the bed and me and he was content.

I love you big bubby boy. Daisy and Tess and I will miss you so much.
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