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RIP my baby boy...I will always love you 4/7/08-6/19/13

"Death cannot kill love, and human hands cannot bury it"
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baileysmama
43 years old
Female
Tennessee
Born Aug-5-1975
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Joined: 19-June 13
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Last Seen: 15th August 2014 - 04:58 PM
Local Time: Jun 20 2019, 05:00 AM
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baileysmama

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15 Aug 2014
It's been a while since I was here; but after the events that took place Wednesday evening, I need to be someplace where I am understood. This time, the loss was not my own fur baby (although the pain and the sorrow are still as fresh as that day), but my friend/neighbor/partner in crime's beloved Fred. Fred was a sweet kitty; my neighbor rescued him from a no-kill shelter, and he was so happy in his furr-ever home. He was an older kitty, but he loved to snuggle, play, and be loved. Fred would come over when his Mama went out of town, and he and Bailey were buddies (until my beloved Bailey left us in June of 2013). I was his aunt, and my fur babies were his cousins. We knew Fred was starting to show signs of getting older, but he was still full of life and happy. Wednesday morning he was loving on us, purring away, and everything was normal...

Wednesday evening, my son, Nick (19), and I went to Wednesday evening service at church. Our neighbor was at choir rehearsal, and I was expecting to hear from her to figure out what time we were getting together Thursday morning for coffee before I took Fred to the vet for his pedicure. Nick and I had been home about 15 minutes when the phone rang. It was my friend, and I answered the phone with a funny greeting. She was on the phone telling me something that I couldn't understand because she was crying so hard (she is one of the strongest women I know, so this was not normal for her at all). I asked her to repeat what she said..."I think Fred is dead." I headed out the door and was barging through her door in less than a minute. I asked where he was. She was sobbing. She led me back to where her son's room was (he had moved out a couple years ago after college), and knelt down by the bed, just crying. I got down on the floor, looked under the bed, and knew. Sweet Fred was gone. I heard my son, and looked at my friend, whose eyes were pleading with me to tell her something different. I got out "I'm so sorry." It was awful. I had my son take his "Aunt" to the living room while I got my sweet furry nephew out from under the bed. He had been there for a little bit; he was starting to get stiff. I asked for a blanket, and my friend brought me Fred's favorite blanket. After I wrapped him up, I carried him out of the room. She held out her arms, and I placed him in his Mama's arms. She cradled him to her chest and just sobbed. My heart broke. I tried to stay strong but I couldn't. I know that pain; I know that sorrow. She looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks and asked me if it looked like anything was wrong. I told her no. He was on his side. We think he had a stroke or a heart attack. He would've been 11 this October.

Seeing my friend so broken, knowing that pain all too well, ripped open the wound from losing my Bailey. Fred was also a part of our family, and my heart hurts for my friend. Can someone tell me what to do; how to help my friend; how to be strong for her, and how to close my eyes and not see his little body under the bed and hearing my friend's sobs as she knows her beloved kitty has moved on to the Rainbow Bridge?
19 Dec 2013
sad.gif It was six months ago today that my life changed; that I held my beloved Bailey in my arms as he passed away. Six months since I have held him; since he has "made biscuits" on my shoulder, slept on my head...since I have heard his loud purr. Sure, I have other babies, but they aren't Bailey. I have tried to get though this pain on my own, although I have posted here a few times in the last six months, I still couldn't bring myself to reach out; I don't know if that makes sense. To those of you who have been supportive in my previous posts, I thank you. It means a lot.

I thought about getting a book for the loss of a pet, but couldn't bring myself to order it. Then I started decorating for Christmas. I pulled out the box of all the lights and other decorations, and came across Bailey's stocking. The tears just burst out; I couldn't stop them. Then I bought the candle to light for Bailey's memory for Christmas. Then I found the sympathy card from the vet. Then my husband and son asked me what I want for Christmas. Then...TODAY.

I am trying to get through this holiday season with a smile on my face; it is a mask, but I think that most everyone buys the smile, the cheery voice. As long as they don't look in my eyes, I'm okay. How do I explain to people that I hurt; that I have lost a member of my family; one that was like a child to me, six months ago? How do I talk about how much I miss chasing Bailey out of my Christmas tree; shooing him away from his stocking before he pulls it off the wall? The only time I can hear his purr is to watch videos of him. How do I explain to people that just don't get it that I miss my kitty cat? I have racked my brain trying to figure out if there was something that I missed; maybe if I had caught the mega colon sooner, he would still be with me; maybe there was something more that I could've done. But I know deep down that I made the right choice by him; he was suffering. I know that I am being selfish to want him back, but I can't help it.

One of my friends told me today that I should be over it because it was half a year ago that he died; that I needed to cheer up because Christmas is less than a week away. So, I suck it up, and I wipe away the tears, and I put the mask on, but inside, I feel sad and empty and lost. Part of me is angry because I didn't have Bailey long enough; he was only with me for a little over five years. I feel like I have lost a child, even if he did have four legs and fur. I'm angry because of all of the "firsts." I don't want these "firsts;" and I don't like this new "normal." I still sometimes wake up in the morning and think that I have to get Bailey his medicine. Then reality hits. I had buried myself in my school work, but because of the fast approaching holiday and my wedding anniversary, I took a leave of absence until February. Now I have time to think, and I hate it. So there it is. I miss my baby boy. Life is not the same. I guess maybe I am finally truly grieving the loss of my precious Bailey. All I know is that this pain is real and raw, and I have cried so much that I am surprised I have tears left.
26 Aug 2013
These three little guys were rescued from under our house back in April. They have been a comfort since the loss of our precious Bailey...
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Attached File  My_lil_guys.jpg ( 183.91K ) Number of downloads: 2
 
12 Aug 2013
I hate this "new" normal. My life is not normal...there is a hole. The hole is in my heart. This raw, painful, sorrow is a constant in my day. Sleep comes occasionally. I have a couple "good" days, where I don't burst into tears because my precious Bailey is gone. Then comes a phone call...or someone looking at me like they think I am crazy because I say I miss my boy...or someone who tells me that I should be happy and "get over it" because I have other pets and I need to "suck it up" and deal with the fact my cat is dead. I'm sorry, but I can't just get over it. There is no replacement. I miss my boy. He was my kid; my baby. I can't even call the vet's office to make an appointment to get the babies "fixed" without crying. I had to call back and cancel the appointment because the boys would have to stay overnight...and I can't be without them overnight. Not yet. It is too soon. I find Bailey's toys, smell his scent on his favorite pillow, and it is like he is somehow still alive. But his fur has been swept or vacuumed up...the smell is fading from the pillow. His passing was so fast. I miss him. I want him back. I know he was sick, but there had to be something else I could've done. I feel guilty. The girl at the vet's was so sweet, and told me that every one of them down there knows what I am going through because they have each gone through it. I'm sorry. I had to vent.
19 Jun 2013
I hurt so much right now, and the tears won't stop.....my precious fur baby, Bailey....our half-Maine Coon spoiled kitty...went to Rainbow Bridge just a few hours ago....I hurt...I mean I physically hurt. I know that he isn't in pain and discomfort anymore...but it doesn't help my heart. My husband and I feel like we have lost a child..we have no kids together; our fur kids are our babies....it doesn't seem real...and then the realization comes crashing down...I think I hear Bailey chewing my husband out in kitty language for not turning the bathroom sink on fast enough...and then more tears come...has anyone else felt like this?
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