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gravessa
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gravessa

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18 Jul 2013
It 5 months nearly since Simba passed away with a single last quiet sigh of life, it is not only you Simba that died that day my heart died with you. Felt so lonely without my special boy, not being able to hold you, not seeing enjoy your garden especially in your favourite places where you always sat, hearing you call me or greet me with your special touch, seeing your lovely kind ginger furry face every day, words cannot express the emptiness I feel without you everything is pointless just wish it would end so I can come to you & your waiting for me comes to an end. I look in the places that you enjoyed being in & it is not right you are not there, not just thinking of my self for but you. Just wish if God truly cared that he would never separate us & that we could have gone together to his eternity at the same time. I felt as though you Simba, were the only 1 who cared when everyone else was too busy or too quick to make selfish demands regardless of what the consequences & no one gave a damn when we needed comfort or support, you gave your love freely & unquestioned - so glad I told you so when you where here with more importantly Simba I hope I made you feel special, loved, wanted & needed.
19 Mar 2013
I miss seeing your sweet gentle lovely face every day that made anything seem alright
I miss your sweet hello when I come home.
I miss feeling you padding down next to me when it is time to sleep
I miss you so much when I wake & you are not there & my heart sinks to the depths because your not there.
I miss the loving brush of your fur against my hand or leg
I miss the guide to the fridge when you wanted feeding
I miss taking care of your needs every day
I miss the cuddles & talks we had with cuddled up to me
I miss your purrs of happiness that made everything worth while
I miss your meows when thought I not doing something right
I miss stroking your sweet head to praise you & comfort you
I miss giving you a good ear rub & watching you enjoy it
I miss my supervisor when I cooked a meal to share with you
I miss watching in the garden sat there so still when you were looking for a treat
I miss nursing you when you became so ill
I miss the comfort you willingly gave when life outside felt so wrong
I miss my nurse who cared for us so well
I miss sharing with you the glory of the day
I miss finding you nesting in my underwear draw fast asleep
I miss your mischief when we had a play
I miss the small walks we had in the garden that was yours
I miss watching you walk in the garden to explore the flowers & the hedge rows
I miss your presence in the house you made a home
I miss your ginger fur strewn upon my carpet which I never minded
I miss combing your sweet soft ginger fur
I miss making you wanted & happy as well as needed
I miss you more than ever, you will never stop being part of our family
I miss you watching over you lying asleep with a snore next to the fireside made for you to bathe in its warmth
I miss you Simba beyond any words & ways which can be expressed from my broken heart & mind at Love's great sacrifice that was made that sad day the Good Lord called you to his side to part from mine.
I hope the Lord God will tell you this message from my heart & tell you the tears of love I shed for you thanking Him for bringing me to you in this earthly journey if only for less than 4 years since we met at the animal sanctuary. I thank God & you Simba for every single precious day you were here as part of the family not as a pet. In his kindness, I am hoping above all hopes you will let me know you are visiting me whilst I take each earthly step knowing that a wisp of wind is you & that we were worthy of your love & trust. I will live each day always holding you in my heart without you by my side that will bring me next to you to mend my broken heart which will be made whole again by you again & never to be parted again spend together in Eternity ***
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15 Mar 2013
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I have been sitting here in my silent empty home thinking about Simba over the last 12 months or so, thinking about could i have done more for him? could i have done better for him? overwhelming feelings of guilt hitting me like a tsunami feeling so damn useless & feeling I may have short changed him in some way when I was the one he depended on & trusted only to fail him & desperately need help reconciling that I did as much as I could for Simba .


The weather was continually very wet & cold (UK) last year so he did not want to go out, apart from supervising my housework in the morning that was really it for the day very boring for us both with only each other for company until my husband came home from work, Simba would occasionally wander out into the garden but these walks became more & more infrequent even at night when i would gladly wait up for him to return which was never more the 10/15 minutes. Days could go by without seeing anyone living in such a rural area, other times my son made the occasional visit home from university he would brighten up only to look depressed & deflated when he left to go back even though i tried to sooth him that at least he still had me . Increasingly any playtime became more & more infrequent he would just either sleep or sit on his own in the hallway for hours on end becoming more unsociable shutting me out when I tried to coax him into the lounge next to the fire to keep warm at least or to greet him as he sat there, at mealtimes finding it more & difficult to crouch down to eat despite me raising his feeding & water bowls up for him to make it easier & getting a low edged gravel tray to use as his litter tray. Simba became even more stressed out going to the vet, it was even commented on by the vet we saw all too regularly my only care being his well being not the the fees- normally he was very quiet even for blood testing but the last time he went for a blood test which confirmed Cushings disease on top of his arthritis & diabetes , the vet had to admit to me he kicked up a fuss (i had noticed Simba looked stressed & drawn from him vet visit which was not him) on his last visit.

As time went on despite the twice daily insulin injections & vetoryl (dog medicine for cushings due to the lack of medication for cats) once a day, Simba was not only withdrawing into himself & shutting me out his beautiful ginger coat was starting to come out in clumps especially at his back end,the medicines seemed only to give a brief respite for him, he seemed depressed & his back legs becoming wasted & difficult to move. Felt bad when I dislocated my knee I was in bed for 2 days only getting to feed him when he asked, hobbling behind him to do so. From October until January I was with him 24/7 with my husband taking him to the vet when she needed to see him or if he needed to go to her, (simply getting down to the floor was impossible for me to give a good ear rub) until i felt safe to go out, & when I did the greetings decreased & when i was trying to get the housework done he lost interest, instead he gave me nagging badgering meows, when he did this I stroked him to try to calm him but that started only to have an increasingly limited effect, just felt as though I could not do right for doing wrong only for me to give him an irritated response which I bitterly regret & tried to apologize to him for by making a fuss of him begging his forgiveness , but that only seemed to go so far for him. I suppose then I came to dreadful realization that the end was coming near & would be cast adrift without my darling Simba. Some days I would be greeted by Simba with a bright feline "hello" in the morning sometimes with indifference but we always made the effort to have our breakfast together even though he increasingly avoided me & my husband at teatime & suppertime, supervising the meal making seemed to become uninteresting to him. The things we did together became a matter of indifference to Simba which hurt me deeply not just for myself but I was hurting for him too as I could not work out sometimes whether it was Simba saying "It's nothing to do with me!" or "You do not want me anymore, I am just a burden, old & in the way as far as you're concerned!" both of which were very far from the truth as far as I was concerned! After Christmas I asked the vet her opinion regarding Simba's health & the increasing lack of quality of life, the decision was discussed to bring the vet to the house to allow Simba to go his happy hunting ground but not to make the dread trip to the vets but to bring her to the house surrounded by his family I owed that much to him in very least, a decision which was not taken lightly,it was about Simba not me even though our world would come crashing down around us, felt as though i was playing god & hated myself for it because he gave so much as part of the family just by being present in our lives everything else was a bonus, my life was wrapped around him the days went so fast when he was here with me but being paralyzed & scared for him would be no help at all.

The weeks before the event where a little busy & Simba looked very indignant at me for having to go out for an hour or so (no more) I did not want to leave him either but I had to but I raced back to be with him as quick as I could. On the night before the 26th February 2013, it was late & I went to bed i could not sleep knowing the vet was due at our home the next day, so I got up & just checked where he was - Simba was in front of the fire warming his back near the fire. When I went in he lifted his head & meowed his lovely hello I acknowledged him & assured him I was just making sure he was okay then returned to bed. We were together just under 4 years since I fell in love with Simba when he was thought to be 8 years + but that did not matter to me & still does not- the lovely large ginger tom who made the sun shine in my world who I could trust without question & made me feel whatever life threw at me his face, his simply being there would make it seem okay & able to deal with, everyone including the vet said I had done everything I possibly could & more so than most people would be bothered with, but what would Simba say to me? Its his reassurance that mattered, I tried to give him my strength & love to fight his illnesses & be there for him, ensured he understood he was not just needed, but wanted & loved. My darling Simba seemed so weary, it took me aback that he so passively accepted the vet putting him to sleep - it was as if "I want to finish it!", I felt as though his pain was my pain & gladly shared the burden if only he would fight it. But my world not just my home is empty without him in this physical world, even the most boring things seemed to liven up with Simba around, now it is worse than ever. I try to feel his presence even though i cannot see or hear him, worried that he is scared by his lack of physical presence. It really distresses me to the point of torture shutting doors thinking that I may shut out his spiritual presence which I have felt occasionally & i have even sought since that dreadful day & that it will upset him into thinking he is not wanted. The local vicar came on another matter to our house yesterday & he very obligingly gave a requested blessing on Simba's life & sweet gentle soul which I was most grateful for. I made it my mantra from the start to try not to have a relationship with him of "what if" or should I have done this , that or the other". My only hope now is that he continues to make his presence felt it is very much his choice, he will always be a part of this family, Simba was was not only needed he was wanted very much so, & has left my husband, & myself & my son with beautiful memories for which we could never end our thankfulness for. Simba is & was a blessing on our home which he made complete & I will work towards the next world hoping he will be there to greet me & hope he will share eternity with us there, & not to think that if there is another cat that they are here to replace him - you cannot replace the irreplaceable, every day is such a very hard struggle without you Simba especially at half past the hour at noon on a Wednesday when you went to sleep from this mortal physical world leaving me behind to spend what seems an eternity before I see you again.
I will always love Simba!!! <3
9 Mar 2013
Ten grief stricken days 27.02.13 since Simba went to sleep whilst going through the turmoil of emotions that comes with dealing with I had to go to the local hospital last night to watch vigil with my husband as my elderly mother in law lay dying & died from a blood clot in her lungs. As you can imagine it was a dreadful journey home & weighted ever since being in the reality that Simba is not around for us to draw comfort from each other because me & my husband are not just mourning for Simba but my mum in law.

Seems like some perverse joke played from above, when a similar happened almost exactly 3 years ago to the day to my father in law, at least Simba was there so we could focus our love & attention on him & he would be there with his feline smile & cuddles to soothe each other all the more. I am not in any way comparing a human death to a to an animal death, indeed it has to be said I was more close in relationship to Simba because he was my close constant companion, his not being here has made everything seem much more so unbearable, because no matter what happened I had at least him to focus on & his needs, making him happy gave me joy, but the past 2 weeks or so has made him passing away worse & compounded the grief to an unbearable point. I was in tears because i feel Simba would have known how to distract us & deal with our grief, sat here now feeling that I have been left behind, not angry at Simba that would be unfair, but bereft in despair because he would know how deal with us simply by his presence, but thats is not possible, even started feeling ill with a very bad cold, hardly sleeping & eating. When will these dark days end?
4 Mar 2013
I am going to bed soon, just hope I get some sense of Simba being there too & that he let's me know he is around.
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