She Got Lost And I Know She Could Not Survive

I am so, so terribly sad.

Almost almost 2 years ago, I adopted a disabled bird. She was a parakeet with a beak malformation, and would not have survived if I had not taken care of her, of her beak and prepared her food especially for her (she couldn't eat normally).

I went through awful times in which I was emotionally and physically abused by my then-husband. I was so emotionally hurt that I had fell into a deep depression. I felt and was lonely, and contemplated suicide many times. I was under medical treatment, and still, I can honestly say that if it weren't that I knew that if I died no one would take care of my bird and that she would die, that I was able, more than once, to refrain myself from jumping off the balcony. This bird and I were so close and she was the sunshine of my life.

I was recovering from the separation and breakup of this abusive relationship when, one day, she unintentionally escaped and got lost. She never could find the way back home. I looked for her for days and days, could not resign myself to the idea that I had lost her, so I never really cried for her, even though I was hurting so bad.
About two months ago, I stopped the medication. As a consequence, feelings and losses that I had not dealt with because the medication was numbing me, ina way, came back and only now I am realizing that I really lost her. She will never come back, and the worst part is not that she died, but the fact that since she was disabled, she likely not only felt lost out there, but also suffered and starved to death. It breaks my heart so much and I feel so guilty that I was not there the morning she escaped, or lese I would have watched her and nothing would have happened. I feel such a grief, such a pain and I am obsessed over her, and I can't help but think of her all the time and not find any consolation, not on her death, but on the way it happened. I simply seem not able to overcome it.

It is weird because I have overcome the death of many loved ones, a rape, emotional abuse, a divorce, family struggles and real poverty... yet, this is what tears my heart the most and while I am not suicidal, I live in pain and have no joy of life. It all is just too painful. If she only had died in my hands, like with other pets I had, I would have been able to overcome this. But she was so special, and disabled, and suffered so much, she, precisely she, who basically saved ME when I was at my lowest. And I was not there when she got lost and suffered. I feel so bad, so bad, I cry myself to sleep every night, I can't find any consolation. If I only could have any certainty that she died with no pain, that she didn't suffer, that I could not have done anything differently, that she really, really felt ok all the time, that she was not aware of getting lost, that she never got the chance to feel any pain. If I only could know that and find peace in my heart. I have other birds that I adore, simply adore, but nothing can replace this void I feel and that I don't seem to be able to cope with, given the cir%%stances in which I can imagine she died, and especially given our history together.

Can you help me someow? I don't know what to do, who to turn to. I can't pay any counseling or help of any kind, I am too poor -really- right now, and beside people just don't understand the bond I had with that bird. I was never able to cry for her in front of others because my family accused me of blaming them for her loss, etc etc. Either way, I am grieving now, but so badly, and I feel I am losing control because of all the pain inside.