I Was Impatient And I'm So Sorry Options

[Sage's Mom]

18 years old, my best friend. She got weaker and weaker and I changed my whole life for her. Slept next to her for months, cut my work days and income, didn't go out unless I absolutely had to. I worried so much about her and had all kinds of stuff to make her life easier. Like a soft sling to put under her belly and help her hold her back legs up when she had to go outside, like the water dishes lifted up higher, like a stool to hold her backside up when she was eating. I didn't mind this at all.
This was a precious and smart girl who never had an accident in the house, but now she sometimes was wet if she slept too long. I had solutions for that, though. Several soft doggie beds and washed them every day. Took her outside and poured warm water over her for a bath. It was so hard for her- and for me. But we had loved each other for so many years that we just couldn't face not being together. At least I couldn't, and I know she was reluctant to leave me, too. Even when I became so exhausted and sleep deprived getting up every couple of hours to take her out and would get so irritated, so tired, so impatient and rough. Even then she loved me.
I knew I would regret it, I knew I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being more patient, for sometimes even blaming her for being demanding. My poor baby, trusting me completely and me being so mean when she needed me to be understanding.

I had to send her to Heaven last night. She tried so hard to stay here for me, but I think she was finally ready to go to Rainbow Bridge and play and wait until I get there. I had to save her from more discomfort and frustration, and I had to save her from me. So last evening, while cradling her in my lap, I finally did what I should have done sooner. I told her it was ok to go on ahead of me, and that I am forever sorry for not being what she needed me to be when she was most vulnerable. I apologized over and over, just like I did many times before when I would be complaining or angry about being awakened again. Every day I tried so hard to be all she needed, but every day there were a few moments when I just couldn't be patient and understanding.
I know she forgives me, that's how she is. She loves me (still) with her heart and soul, and I love her the same.

Until I see you again, my sweet Sage, I will miss you and think of the wonderful 18 years we had. Please stay close to me my precious girly-girl, doggie my doggie, and let me know that you are safe and happy. And thank you God for bringing Sage to me so long ago.

My little girl, I'm so sorry, and I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and ever.
Mom
[b][/b]

[moon_beam]

Hi, Sage's Mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sage. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Sage's Mom, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that has many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we ALL experience is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the more difficult emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of the "whys" and "if onlys".

It is perfectly clear from what you have shared with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Sage a happy and healthy earthly journey. Your vented anger and frustration was NOT toward your precious Sage but rather from the stress of knowing that your earthly time together was coming to a close. It also is a symptom of what is called Caregiver's Burnout. Our physical and emotional bodies do not have endless resources, and when we are in situations that require "super human" strength, this can only exist for so long before our physical and emotional strength crumbles, and we have no choice but to release the anger, frustration, sorrow, etc., - - and sometimes little control over how and when we do it. Our precious companions, and your beloved Sage, understands this - - for your beloved Sage knows your heart and knows you love her deeply, truly, eternally. I hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey you will be able to find a peace in your heart that will help you release the guilt / remorse you are now feeling so that you can focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Sage share with a happy heart.

This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Sage, and it is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - for it is a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. Still it is a journey you do not travel alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

The adjustment to your beloved Sage's physical absence is huge. But there is something that will never change - - the eternal love bond you and your beloved Sage share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sage's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Sage's Mom - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope in some way the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sage with us, Sage's Mom. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sage's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Jennifer

Your story of Sage touched my heart, too. If only ..... those two words can rip you soul apart. As Moonbeam so wisely says, everybody who has had a fur-child go back home to the Perfect World knows how endless the chain of guilt and remorse. I think it really means "I wish". I wish that Sage was still here. I wish I had had the magic to keep this from happening.

When you open your heart to a soul-mate dog, you know deep down in your heart that someday you will have to pass the ultimate test of love. But every good second,, every fun time, every head pat or tummy rub, every look into each others' eyes makes you forget that. Only very special people like you ever meet their true soul-dog. It's clear from every word you wrote about you and Sage that you two were true soul-mates. And true soul-mates are really two parts of one soul. So Sage felt the love that YOU were feeling every moment you were together. Even when you think you were impatient. Sage knew better. She had stars in her eyes - your stars. There is no love greater than the love between the two beings who share a soul. And there is no heartbreak like the one when the two of you are physically separated.

Someday, maybe soon maybe late, Sage will send you a signal the she is OK. Some people get visions, some people (like me) only get very subtle signals - like a sense that a dogs is lying beside you and then you look and don't see one. But know that a dog IS lying beside you, and not just any dog, the Sage-Dog. She can see you and hear you exactly like always. She's still on her job: loving you, thanking you, guiding your steps, keeeping you safe.

Try to get some rest, Jennifer, even though your pillow will be wet with tears. (I was so sad when Gretta went home that i slept on her big orthopedic bed for more than a week - I'm a solo so I can do it).

We are a band of brothers and sisters united by a love experience that only those who have had this experience can know. And each one of us knows the horrid heartbreak of a separation. But kind words, understanding and support are somehow comforting and we all make it through this life - step by step by step .... on our ways to the Perfect World ... where we will be reunited with our beloveds, never to be separated again.

Thank you for sharing precious Sage with us. You and she have enriched all of our lives.

Until tomorrow .....

Gretta and Rufus's mom Jeanne

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Jennifer

Your story of Sage touched my heart, too. If only ..... those two words can rip you soul apart. As Moonbeam so wisely says, everybody who has had a fur-child go back home to the Perfect World knows how endless the chain of guilt and remorse. I think it really means "I wish". I wish that Sage was still here. I wish I had had the magic to keep this from happening.

When you open your heart to a soul-mate dog, you know deep down in your heart that someday you will have to pass the ultimate test of love. But every good second,, every fun time, every head pat or tummy rub, every look into each others' eyes makes you forget that. Only very special people like you ever meet their true soul-dog. It's clear from every word you wrote about you and Sage that you two were true soul-mates. And true soul-mates are really two parts of one soul. So Sage felt the love that YOU were feeling every moment you were together. Even when you think you were impatient. Sage knew better. She had stars in her eyes - your stars. There is no love greater than the love between the two beings who share a soul. And there is no heartbreak like the one when the two of you are physically separated.

Someday, maybe soon maybe late, Sage will send you a signal the she is OK. Some people get visions, some people (like me) only get very subtle signals - like a sense that a dogs is lying beside you and then you look and don't see one. But know that a dog IS lying beside you, and not just any dog, the Sage-Dog. She can see you and hear you exactly like always. She's still on her job: loving you, thanking you, guiding your steps, keeeping you safe.

Try to get some rest, Jennifer, even though your pillow will be wet with tears. (I was so sad when Gretta went home that i slept on her big orthopedic bed for more than a week - I'm a solo so I can do it).

We are a band of brothers and sisters united by a love experience that only those who have had this experience can know. And each one of us knows the horrid heartbreak of a separation. But kind words, understanding and support are somehow comforting and we all make it through this life - step by step by step .... on our ways to the Perfect World ... where we will be reunited with our beloveds, never to be separated again.

Thank you for sharing precious Sage with us. You and she have enriched all of our lives.

Until tomorrow .....

Gretta and Rufus's mom Jeanne

[Sage's Mom]

[font="Comic Sans MS"][/font]

Thank you both so much for your words which are more helpful than you may realize. I wanted to respond immediately but the house has been so busy for the past couple days and now it's late and I have to get up at 5 and work a 12 and 1/2 hour shift. I will reconnect after I get home from work tomorrow night. I so look forward to that, to being in contact with those who truly know and understand the sadness.
Jennifer

[Gretta's Mom]

Good morning Jennifer,

Remember that Sage's lovely spirit is with you wherever you go and whatever you do.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[Sage's Mom]

Thank you once again for your responses. It's been difficult for me to be back here the past couple of days, both physically and heart-wise. I know that the moment I open these pages, the tears start. I have read that tears are the purest form of prayer. If that is true, then my prayer is that my little sweetheart Sage is safe and happy and healthy. And I pray that she is near me now as she has been for the past 18 years, as you said.
It is so difficult to make it through the day. Last night was the first time coming home from work without her greeting me. I am so thankful that this site is available and that we all are so understanding of each others' grief and remorse.
I will be back tomorrow night after work. Thank you again.
Sage's Mom, Jennifer

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Sage's mom

As long as you are still on this earth, the tears will come. When Sage went home she left a piece of her heart with you and took a piece of yours. These pieces don't quite match and that's what hurts. For many months, years even, tears will come. Don't be afraid of them. They are a sign of love. And Sage is in the Perfect World bragging about her mommie, just like all the animals up there do. Take good care of the treasure Sage has left you. That is the greatest gift you can give her.

And i stilll cry after almost five years for my Gretta and almost a year for my Rufus. I know my tears will never stop but I know they show how much I loved them and that in the perfect World they are transformed into droplets of love.

Next time we have a prayer hum (b/c animals can't talk down here) for my sister who has cancer, Sage will be at the top of the invitation list.

Blessings .......

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[Sage's Mom]

A week ago, really? Seems like a moment; seems like forever. Getting through the days at work and in front of others who all think things are normal. But they will never be normal again.

Missing my sweet little Sage.
Jennifer[color="#0000FF"][/color

I am so grateful that we all have this place to come to, to connect with those who understand; a place where we can encourage and console each other.

[MaryB]

I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes, life goes on around us - especially at work. We can get a couple of days off when a human family member dies, but nothing for animal members. For them, it's just business as usual...And the only people who can really understand are the other pet lovers.

I hope that you find some peace and comfort. It's hard. I know it's hard.

[Dakota Rose'...]

Dear Sage's Mom -

I read this and it brought me back to so many of my own painful guilty feelings. My dog Dusty who passed away 3 1/2 years ago at the age of 19 1/2, I too had similar reactions of exhaustion and moments of being frustrated and a bit mean....He would sleep in the bed next to me and he would stand up to turn around and with his legs getting weaker, sometimes he would fall out of bed and I'd have to get up out of bed to help him back in. My frustrations towards him will always haunt me because he was my baby...had him since he was 2 months old. So for more than half of my life he was there for me, ALWAYS! As Moonbeam said, they know we love them dearly and well I came to a point finally where I cried, sobbed really begging Dusty to forgive me and in my heart I finally just knew he knew how much he means to me and I had to find some peace with that knowing I never meant to hurt him....

I'm now dealing with guilt of a much different magnitude with Dakota Rose who passed at very recently at 3 years old.....I feel I should have made different choices in that final day that may or may not have saved her life....I know she may have still died, but I will always wonder and always have guilt along with regret that I don't know how I'll ever be able to overcome. I often think how lucky I was to have 19 1/2 years with Dusty only to have Dakota taken from me 3 years after bringing her into my heart....As much as I love Dusty, Dakota is who I feel to be my complete and utter Canine Soul Mate....

Anyhow a bit off topic, apologizes again dealing with my own heartbreak as well.....

Try to remember that Sage knows how much you love her and never intended her any harm.....I know because I've been there and from your words can tell the love you have for her, so try your best to go easy on yourself....I do know it's much easier said than done though....but hope you'll try....

[auggiesmom97]

18 years old, my best friend. She got weaker and weaker and I changed my whole life for her. Slept next to her for months, cut my work days and income, didn't go out unless I absolutely had to. I worried so much about her and had all kinds of stuff to make her life easier. Like a soft sling to put under her belly and help her hold her back legs up when she had to go outside, like the water dishes lifted up higher, like a stool to hold her backside up when she was eating. I didn't mind this at all.
This was a precious and smart girl who never had an accident in the house, but now she sometimes was wet if she slept too long. I had solutions for that, though. Several soft doggie beds and washed them every day. Took her outside and poured warm water over her for a bath. It was so hard for her- and for me. But we had loved each other for so many years that we just couldn't face not being together. At least I couldn't, and I know she was reluctant to leave me, too. Even when I became so exhausted and sleep deprived getting up every couple of hours to take her out and would get so irritated, so tired, so impatient and rough. Even then she loved me.
I knew I would regret it, I knew I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being more patient, for sometimes even blaming her for being demanding. My poor baby, trusting me completely and me being so mean when she needed me to be understanding.

I had to send her to Heaven last night. She tried so hard to stay here for me, but I think she was finally ready to go to Rainbow Bridge and play and wait until I get there. I had to save her from more discomfort and frustration, and I had to save her from me. So last evening, while cradling her in my lap, I finally did what I should have done sooner. I told her it was ok to go on ahead of me, and that I am forever sorry for not being what she needed me to be when she was most vulnerable. I apologized over and over, just like I did many times before when I would be complaining or angry about being awakened again. Every day I tried so hard to be all she needed, but every day there were a few moments when I just couldn't be patient and understanding.
I know she forgives me, that's how she is. She loves me (still) with her heart and soul, and I love her the same.

Until I see you again, my sweet Sage, I will miss you and think of the wonderful 18 years we had. Please stay close to me my precious girly-girl, doggie my doggie, and let me know that you are safe and happy. And thank you God for bringing Sage to me so long ago.

My little girl, I'm so sorry, and I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and ever.
Mom
[b][/b]

[LittleGirl's...]

I relate very much to this thread. I have a lot to share---feedback and support. It's always such a relief to know that I'm not alone with these feelings.

Will be writing more soon.

Kathy

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi AuggiesMom,

I just realized that your whole post was a copy of something Sage's Mom said---something I relate to. Are you in similar pain? Please share more.

Hugs,
Kathy