Unable To Recover From The Loss Of My Darling Fiona

This past weekend my family suffered the great loss of our precious dog, Fiona. Fiona was an old girl (around 15 or 16- exact age not known because she was a shelter dog) and she has been sick for the past couple of months. Still, it came as a horrible blow to all of us. We adopted Fiona approximately 12 years ago, when she was around 2 or 3 years old. She was only days away from being put to sleep at the shelter, and when we saw her face we knew we had to save her! At that time I was 13 years old and I had always dreamed of having a dog. Fiona was EVERYTHING to me. She slept with me, played with me, and I was obsessed with training her to do all sorts of tricks. She was so very smart and affectonate and she filled my life with great joy. My family has gone through many financial troubles over the years. About a year after adopting Fiona, we ended up having to leave our home. We spent time living in motel rooms, shelters, an attic, etc. We took Fiona with us everywhere and always made sure she was cared for. During this time, my brother and I were not able to be in school so we didn't have any friends or people to socialize with. Fiona was my only friend, but she was the only friend I needed. She always loved us, no matter where we lived and she gave me hope and joy during what was a very dark time. When we couldn't properly care for her, she stayed with our family friend for a year, who had a big yard and we always visited her. We took her back as soon as we were settled again and she (and we!) couldn't have been happier to be permanently reunited.

My family is from Seattle, but eventually my brother and I ended up moving to the east coast for college and work. When I first went away to school, my mom recalls Fiona waiting patiently by the door for days thinking I was going to return any minute. She stayed in my room and in my bed and appeared to have separation anxiety. But my mom and dad loved her so much and took good care of her while I was gone. Every time I came home for a vacation, I feared Fiona would not recognize me, but she always did! She always jumped on me and was so excited to see me.

As time went on, work, grad school, and money made it difficult for me to come home and visit as often as I would have liked. But my mom would always put Fiona on the phone with me and when I would speak to her she would bark with excitement and what we perceived as recognition. The last time I was able to go home and see Fiona was this past August. I spent a week at home and Fiona was very happy. I could already tell she seemed very old, but she was still her happy and healthy self. She loved to follow me around the house and nap with me in the yard. When I said goodbye to Fiona I never dreamed it would be the last time I would see her furry, freckled, face. I never dreamed it would be the last time she would lick me and paw at me to pet her. But it was.

Fiona fell sick in November with kidney failure. The vet told my parents it was the natural progession of old age and nothing really to be done. She had medications and was hospitalized twice and she seemed to return to stable. Still, we knew she was very weak. My parents took amazing care of her. Even though money was tight, they spared no expense taking her to the vet and getting her medications. For that I am so grateful. However, we were all in so much denial that we kept convincing ourselves that no matter what the vets said she was getting better. Then, on Saturday, she was barely eating or moving. The vets gave her pain medication so she was in no pain but it seemed like the end was nearing. I decided I would fly home the next weekend, no matter how much it cost, to say goodbye to my dear friend. But, she didn't make it that long. She died on Sunday morning in my dad's arms.

I am beside myself in grief. I miss her so much. I can't get out of bed, sleep, shower, eat. I feel so angry at myself for not finding a way to go home and visit her more. I was not able to go home this past Christmas because plane tickets were too expensive, but now, I wish I would have borrowed or stolen the money to come back and spend time with Fiona. She was so protective, sweet, loving, and intelligent. She was the best friend, human or animal, I have ever known. I can't believe she is gone. The worst part is that I feel like no one understands. They think somehow that because I haven't gone home so often in the past few years to see her it isn't as bad. But I am plagued with guilt for not coming back and seeing her more. I am full of sorrow and depression that I didn't get to say goodbye. My only solace is that I know my parents loved her as much as me, and that the fact that she died in my dad's arms rather than try to sneak off and die alone shows how much she loved and trusted our family. But I am unable to stop crying or do anything. I forced myself to go to work today and broke down several times. How can anyone move on after losing their best friend...