Missing Jameel

It's been over a month since I put my beloved horse Jameel down. It's been several weeks since I've been to the site as well. I have not allowed myself to cry or feel those painful emotions that go along with the loss of my pet, that was until yesterday when my friend came out to trim my other horses feet. He asked where the "old black mare" was and when I said that she had colicked and I had to put her to sleep, it was like tearing an old wound open again. I so much want her to be there every morning waiting for me when I wake up. I can't stop looking for her.

I can't seem to let go of her and believing that she will be there waiting for me when I open the door to go feed the others. I can't seem to get past this...

It Has Been A Tough Week

I just wanted to thank all of you that wrote to me and gave me your kind thoughts and your words of encouragement. It has made the pain in my life a little easier to deal with now that I know I have somewhere to go when I start feeling sad that I don't have my Jameel anymore.

Thank you all for accepting this cow girl into your home page. I know there aren't a whole lot of postings here for horses but you all have made me feel so welcome. I will be forever grateful to all of you.

Thanks Again,

Cwgrlsrck (Danni)

Almost A Week Now

It's been almost a week since my beloved horse, Jameel, colicked and I had to put her down. Every morning and evening when I go out to feed the other horses, I still wait and watch for her to come around the corner of the barn until slowly reality sets in and I realize (again and again) that she will never come around that corner. The first few days all I could think was "why" and I was very angry. Angry at myself for not catching her illness sooner and angry at Jameel for colicking at night when I was alseep.

I miss her so much. She was a part of my life for so long. (she was 24) Wherever I lived, she was there. Every morning and evening she was there nickering at me that she was hungry and that I wasn't moving fast enough for her. It's such a lonely feeling now when I go outside and she's not there. I know that I'm supposed to grieve and move on, but I can't seem to let go and I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone forever. I have two of her beautiful babies with me at home, but even that isn't enough to push me past the sorrow I feel.

The Hardest Decision

Jameel was my 24 year old Arab/T-bred horse. I've had her since the day she was born. Yesterday I made the hardest decision of my life and that was to euthanise her. She had colicked the night before and had twisted her large intestine. This meant that without surgery, she would die because she couldn't pass solid waste. At the time of taking her to the vet, we did not realize the severity of her condition. The vet kept her overnight and gave us postings throughout the night. At 10:00am he called to tell me that she was getting worse and that he was having a hard time keeping her comfortable. I so wanted to tell him to do the surgery, but who was I doing it for? Jameel or myself? I decided that I couldn't put her through that surgery at her age only to watch her suffer more. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss her so much. I keep asking myself, "Did I do the right thing?" I can't seem to stop crying. Everywhere I look or go, I am reminded of her. I went out to feed tonight and stood waiting for her to come around the corner of the barn until I realized that she was never going to again. I feel so lost and lonely. I feel as if I'll never get over this.