Lost My Baby Options

[galandria]

Hello. I am new here. I just lost my 4 year old Bulldog, Missy, to heat stroke. I am heartbroken and grief stricken. I am feeling guilt, sick to my stomach, angry, depressed. I didnt get out of bed for 3 days and I had to take her pictures down because I cant bear to look at them. My house is so empty. My cats are a big comfort but I miss my Doodlebug so much. She was my beautiful baby.

My husband and I talked and we decided to get another dog. I wasnt sure where my grief would take me but it has taken me in the direction of wanting to fill my house with love. This tragedy has taught me that life is too short and I dont want to spend it denying myself any happiness. My family is not being supportive about a new dog. They say I am too fragile because of how I am grieving for Missy and that if anything happens to the new dog that I will go to pieces.

I feel extreme guilt as well. Am I acting too fast? Am I disrespecting her memory? If a child dies do parents "replace" them? But the emptiness is crushing me. I feel like I am not going to make it through this. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

[janika]

Dear Galandria

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your darling Missy.
The feelings you describe are all part of the grief journey after losing a beloved fur baby, no matter what the cause or reason. We all feel some amount of guilt, disbelief at first, heartache and the dreadful emptiness.
Everyone feels differently about whether to find another companion. For me it was six months before I rescued my dear Pixie, in a way I think we rescued each other. Some feel the need to carry on that special love of our fur babies straight away, and if you are strong enough to give the support and love to a new 'rescue dog' or puppy then maybe it would be right for you. Think carefully about it, as a new dog will need lots of emotional support and if you are still feeling guilt and are in a weak emotional state,(understandably so) it might be best to wait and work through these anxieties. Give yourself time to work through the grief and to get to a stage when you can feel happy thoughts of Missy, before you move on with another fur companion. It is a very important decision that must be given lots of careful consideration for you and for your new fur baby.
It is obvious that you love your Missy very much. You will never 'replace' her, but in time, as Pixie has proved to me, our hearts have the capacity to love and be loved again. But the timing is very important. Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope that soon you will be able to put back the photos of Missy and think of all the love you shared, and remember her in a warm and happy way..... that time will come.
Thinking of you.

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

[wchamilton]

Galandria,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of Missy. To lose a pet is always hard, but losing one unexpectedly to an accident or illness makes it worse. The feelings of guild you have right now are completely normal as you continue to run the events that led to Missy's passing through your mind, but take peace knowing you did what you could and you gave Missy four love-filled years.

As for another pet, as Janika said, it's a very individual decision. When we lost Winston we decided we wouldn't actively look for another dog but would get one when the time is right, which for us was fairly quickly (we're bringing Pebbles home next month) I think it's a testament to the love you had for Missy that you want to share that love with another companion. You're not disrespecting her at all... you're actually honoring her.

Again, my deepest condolences on Missy's loss. You've come to the right place for support, encouragement and understanding.

-Clay

[Rhapsedy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain too well and it can be debilitating. I went thru all of the same things you mentioned; guilt, feeling sick, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, couldn't look at pictures... it was the hardest thing I ever went thru. The pain will lessen but unfortunately you have to go thru the intense grief before you feel better.

As far as getting another dog, I think you should make your decision by listening to your heart. You are in no way replacing Missy, you could never replace her. Have you ever thought about fostering a dog? If you foster a dog and decide you want to keep him you could adopt the dog and if not you would be helping the dog until he found his forever home. This may be a good way to see how you would feel with another dog in the house.

Again, I am so sorry that you are in such pain. All of us here understand what you are going thru and we are here for you anytime, I hope you find comfort in knowing that.

Rhapsedy

[Dusty Moonrise]

My husband and I talked and we decided to get another dog...
I feel extreme guilt as well. Am I acting too fast? Am I disrespecting her memory? If a child dies do parents "replace" them? But the emptiness is crushing me. I feel like I am not going to make it through this. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

Galandria,

First, let me express my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I have lost pets suddenly, and have had to "make the choice".
I applaud you for wanting to get another dog. My advice would be don't rush, but let things progress as they will. Having said this, it was only two days after letting my little Bitsy go that I saw an ad in the paper for a Jack Russell for only $30. I knew there had to be a reason for the cheap price, and as it turned out, the old man that had Fancy just wasn't able to keep her any more, and had to sell her fast. She has been such a blessing to me! Also, just 10 months after letting Bitsy go, I spotted a lost puppy on the road, running after a utility truck and nearly getting hit. After not being able to find the owner, I adopted him. In less than a year's time, I have gone from a 3&1/2 lb. Chihuahua to having both a Jack Russell Terror and a mixed breed dog that is well over 50 lbs.!

I understand the hurt, the guilt, and especially the emptiness! But, no, you are NOT trying to replace your Doodlebug, but rather opening your heart to another animal who otherwise might not have such a loving friend, and showing your love and respect to Missy by sharing that love with another!

Andy

[tanbuck]

Galandria, I am so very sorry about your sweet Missy. I don't believe you are trying to replace her. I do agree completely with what Janika said. Bringing a new pet into an already fragile environment can be hard on the new pet. They sense so much. I've lost 3 babies this past year - the loves of my life. I have 2 new cats and haven't bonded with them at all. I knew it was too soon when I got them but I felt so sorry for their situations and they had nowhere to go. I knew I could give them good shelter, if nothing else. And that's about all I"ve been able to give them. I have days when I feel so detached from them that I don't feed them! Luckily, my husband is here and takes over when that happens. I feel extremely guilty about that.
I'm not saying that's what will happen to you. Of course, we all know ourselves better than anyone and you may know that the time is right. And if so, I wish you the very best! But maybe taking a little more time for you to go through these stages of grief will help. Whatever you decide, this forum will support you.
Again, I'm so sorry about Missy. Please let us know what you decide.
-Donna

[galandria]

Thanks everyone for your words of support. It does help alot. The one problem I will not have is bonding with a new pet. That is actually my biggest fault. I am an animal lover 100% and sometimes to the detriment of the people in my life. My problem is the guilt I feel. I am so grief stricken and sick over the way she died that I dont think I will ever get over that. I cant see past her pain or what she must have been feeling. That morning I ran out of the house with a quick, Mommy loves you, bye. Not even a glance back. The next time I saw her she was dying! I had a responsibility to her! All I feel is pain at that loss. The one thing about me is that I can compartmentalize things. I can put my grief and longing for my baby into one part of my brain and give love to another baby with the other. BUT.... do I deserve a second chance??? Do I deserve the beautiful gift of having another dog to love after what I let happen? Shouldn't I have to suffer for what happened???? I am always the one yelling about how people should take care of their pets. So self righteous I was.

Missy was my bad girl. My scamp. Always tugging on my shoe while I was walking. I couldnt use the bathroom without an audience. Waited for me by the shower until I was done. Sat on my lap even though she was a BIG girl. She would stare at me while I watched TV if I wasnt giving her enough attention. She would stare at me and make noises like Chewbacca from Star Wars. OH, Doodlebug I miss you so much. Mommy is so sorry.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Galandria, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Missy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

Galandria, usually heat stroke happens quite suddenly. So, your precious Missy may very well have not been exhibiting any symptoms when you left for work in the morning, which means there was nothing to be done for her. Even providing her cool shade (if she were outside) and water would be the standard protocols for helping to prevent heat stroke. Beyond that would be to keep a moment to moment vigil, and your precious Missy knew that you couldn't do that.

You ask if you should have to suffer for what happened to Missy. The answer to that is NO, DEFINITELY NOT. Will a part of you always hurt for what happened to Missy? Probably yes, because you love her with all your heart and would have moved heaven and earth to prevent any harm from happening to her, which is impossible because we are merely humans - - we are not infallable. Does this mean that you should be deprived of another precious companion to love? Absolutely NOT, for this means that a homeless waif would be deprived of the love that only YOU can give, and Missy would not want that to happen.

Should you and your husband adopt another companion immediately? As the other wonderful responders have already shared, this is a very personal decision - - one that only you and your husband can make. Whatever the circumstances are that led to Missy's heat stroke, there's only one factor involved in that - - that she was exposed in some form or fashion to a heat source, and I would presume that this was a weather-related situation. Galandria, we can only do the best we can with the knowledge that we have and with the circumstances at that particular time. One of the hardest things to accept is that there are situations that arise that we have absolutely no control over and that we would never have expected to happen in a million years. When we are confronted with these types of situations, it brings us to a "reality check" of just how little "control" we actually have over what happens.

From these situations the only thing we can do is learn whatever "lessons" we can so that we can try - - and the emphasis is on the word TRY - - to prevent the same thing from happening again. Unfortunately, our "wisdom" comes from hind sight, Galandria, for we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge.

With this new found "widsom" then, Galandria, you DO deserve a second chance - - you DO deserve another precious companion to love and take care of. Right now, though, your heart needs to heal from this tragedy so that YOU will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you DO deserve another precious companion.

Again, Galandria, I am so sorry for your loss of Missy. Please know that she loves you for taking care of her and giving her a loving home to live in during her journey with you on this side of eternity. Please know you are never alone in your grief journey - - we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Galandria, and please let us know how you're doing. And please know we are here to share in your joy of your new companion, too - - whenever YOU are ready to embrace a new life in your heart and home.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[wchamilton]

Thanks everyone for your words of support. It does help alot. The one problem I will not have is bonding with a new pet. That is actually my biggest fault. I am an animal lover 100% and sometimes to the detriment of the people in my life. My problem is the guilt I feel. I am so grief stricken and sick over the way she died that I dont think I will ever get over that. I cant see past her pain or what she must have been feeling. That morning I ran out of the house with a quick, Mommy loves you, bye. Not even a glance back. The next time I saw her she was dying! I had a responsibility to her! All I feel is pain at that loss. The one thing about me is that I can compartmentalize things. I can put my grief and longing for my baby into one part of my brain and give love to another baby with the other. BUT.... do I deserve a second chance??? Do I deserve the beautiful gift of having another dog to love after what I let happen? Shouldn't I have to suffer for what happened???? I am always the one yelling about how people should take care of their pets. So self righteous I was.

Missy was my bad girl. My scamp. Always tugging on my shoe while I was walking. I couldnt use the bathroom without an audience. Waited for me by the shower until I was done. Sat on my lap even though she was a BIG girl. She would stare at me while I watched TV if I wasnt giving her enough attention. She would stare at me and make noises like Chewbacca from Star Wars. OH, Doodlebug I miss you so much. Mommy is so sorry.

When our dog Winston died it was a tragic accident... we had put one of our dogs outside on a dog run to go to the bathroom and when she wanted to come in she batted at the front door, which wasn't shut all the way. Winston nosed it open and took off like a shot. My son and I heard the door hit the wall, saw he was gone, put on our shoes and went to get him, but in that time (45-60 seconds) he had been hit by a car and died about 15 minutes later.

I dealt with the same guilt you're feeling when Winston died, and I think when you lose a pet due to an accident it's normal. Eventually you will come to terms with it and realize that what happened to Missy was an accident, and an accident, by definition, isn't anyone's fault. I know this doesn't help now, but you will eventually come to terms with what happened.

And as for giving yourself "another chance", as we've said, that's a very personal decision... for my family that decision was to not actively look but adopt another dog when we found one who needed us, and for us that was about two weeks after losing Winston. But that's just me and my family. If you wanted my opinion, I would suggest you give yourself some time to grieve Missy... the pain of her loss is very fresh for you and you need to give yourself time to feel and process that. Let yourself grieve for your Missy and when the time is right another companion will come into your life.

Please let us know how you're doing... we're all here for you.

[Cheryl83]

Dear Galandria,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your darling Missy. This is one of the hardest things we have to go through. Sometimes you feel like you will never get through it. It's hard when other people don't understand, but try to avoid those people if possible. THEY are the unlucky ones as they've never been blessed with a love and bond as unique as we all have. We all understand, and we are here for you during this painful journey, for as often and as long as you need us.

Hang in there, Cheryl x

P.S. Would love to see a picture of Missy if you are able to post one. I LOVE bulldogs